Into The Sunset
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The birds fly over the lake,
almost directly into the sunset.
It was her favorite kind of summer evening.
She'd drive down to the water, thinking and writing.
A tear escapes her beautiful blue eyes.
She can't help herself; she tells herself she's not good
enough-
She'll never be comparable.
Her confidence was shot, her heart was broken.
She had a tendency to fall for her close friends.
Hurting herself in the long run.
She knows it; they all know it.
But she insists; insists on trudging on; falling harder.
She turns to her brother; seeking advice.
Seeking guidance- seeking any type of comfort.
He's wrapped up in his own life now, no time for his younger
sister.
It's not like what it use to be.
The birds fly over the lake,
almost directly into the sunset.
It was her favorite type of summer evening.
She takes another sip of her vodka.
Sip by sip, her troubles float away.
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I Like the poem. I think you did a good job. I agree with Angel about the triteness of words.
Also I think you could make it much more powerful if you take the last part of the first, second and third stanzas and add them as a next line. I.E.
A tear escapes her beautiful blue eyes.
She can't help herself; she tells herself she's not good
enough-
She'll never be comparable.
Her confidence was shot
her heart was broken.
She had a tendency to fall for her close friends.
Hurting herself in the long run.
She knows it; they all know it.
But she insists on trudging on;
falling harder.
Also maybe drop the in the first line and begin it with birds fly over the lake. Dont be afraid to drop some words. Almost, it was, she (she tells herself), all (they all know it). Try reading it aloud with a few less words and you might find it very powerful. I did.
This is your work and youve done a fine job. Do not be afraid to break the rules.
Oh...My...God...This poem is just so beautiful, and filled with emotion. It seeps with it. I feel completely drawn to it. I can connect with the character. I too have been known to be hurt and fall for close friends. The lonliness depicted in this poem is simply breathtaking. In reading it wanted to find something to correct (I'm just that kind of person...I get really mad at myself for spelling/grammar mistakes), but, I was unable to. This is a GREAT thing for you. Truly a WONDERFUL poem. I wish I could find more words to justly describe how beautiful it is.
Very nice imagery you portray here. There is a feeling of passion to ones' self, but is overrun by triteness of the words; her, herself, and 'she'. Those words took alot of beauty away from the picture. It was good, never the less. Thank you for sharing your work with us all, and welcome to Scribophile.