He slit the envelope with a letter opener. He
was impressed. The paper was fine quality linen, marbled
like the unfranked matching envelope. It was a
note from the highest level of the Organization, personally penned
by Max.
unnecessary, but just my opinion.
Max’s style, brief to the point of starkness, clear,
concise, inviting no explanation, rattled him.
"style.... rattled him." I think you can omit a few of the
modifiers in between subject and verb here.
“Humph,” he grunted, “a new broom flexing his
muscles.”
I don't know what he means.
The blast of people clamouring to be heard, hit her in
the face.
I think this sentence is weaker than the rest of the first few
paragraphs. The preceding material is written well, so this sticks
out.
a woman dressed in a see-through pink chiffon outfit
that did nothing except set her apart from the tastefully dressed
crowd
Just a bit too much description that (I suspect) won't
contribute to the plot.
wearing a white, starched dickie, deep blue jacket, and
trousers that made him look like a penguin,
Again, I know you know precisely what they're wearing, but at
this stage of the chapter I just want to get into the story.
her eyes ranged over the crowd searching for a
familiar face.
"Range" is not an appropriate verb in this case, I believe.
Centre stage was dominated by the grossly rich: dressed
for the occasion, the women dripped with jewels and greeted one
another in their tightly knit group with automated cheek-pecks. The
men, some oddly boyish—youthful older men, the type able to bed
younger women—had their trophies attached to them like limpets.
They drank copiously, whispered in their partners’ ears, and
laughed discreetly.
This is great writing.
One man in particular caught Renee’s
attention
You're demonstrating a good sense of panning (wide) description
and redirecting back to the intimacy of Renee's thoughts. Nice
work.
“Smooth, huh? He looks like he was born in a
tuxedo.”
This needs a dialogue tag- because I initially thought it was
Renee's thought. "...said a familiar voice from behind her."
“Byron! I’m so glad to see you,” she said as she turned
and looked down on the bearded man who tugged at his collar in an
effort to ease his Adam’s apple from its constraints.
I think Renee needs a moment to look at him, so we (reader) can
look at him and process the character a little more before Renee
begins interacting with him.
she asked playfully as she sedately twirled a full
circle.
I'm half hazy on this description. She's twirling, like a
pirouette, correct? "sedate" doesn't seem to be an appropriate
adjective in that case. It's a neat gesture- don't want you to lose
it in the mind of the reader.
champagne ballooned
not sure if "balloon" is the right verb. Balloon, to me,
suggests something inflating. I think in the case of champagne,
it's either spilling or foaming.
A bitchy remark forming in her mind, she spun to face
the clumsy clod, but the cutting words stilled in her throat as her
eyes widened at the sight of a pulse-quickening hunk of a
man.
This could use a paragraph break.
His scent, a mix of male musk and cologne, triggered
steamy thoughts in her mind, and she felt an unaccustomed blush
rise on her cheeks.
"steamy thoughts in her mind" seems rather non-descriptive in
the context. The words "steamy thoughts" are more
romance-novelish.
A current
"What felt like electricity"
This stranger stirred feelings she’d never felt—an
instant attraction—electric and breathtaking.
Unnecessary- it's already implied.
And the stranger was no better; he stood in silence
shifting his weight from one foot to the other, moving his eyes
slowly over her body—his appraisal confident and strong—each
inspection longer, heavier; more intimate.
"was no better" implies the narrator knows what the stranger is
thinking, which breaks perspective. I think you can simply begin
with "He stood in silence..."
As her pulse settled to a more normal rhythm, she
turned and started to walk away.
"pulse" in this case should probably be "heart beat" because
it's 3PL, so unless she specifically holds her hand to an artery
she can't really feel her pulse. But she can feel her heart
rate.
A hand resting lightly on her shoulder spun her around.
Her stomach somersaulted, her body felt odd: sensitive, aware. She
felt the man’s breath against her cheek; saw the five-o’clock
shadow that shaded his jaw, and best of all, the mouth: a mouth
seasoned with experience that smiled easily and grinned wickedly.
Lust threatened to sideline her effrontery.
This is a tad overwritten for me.
Also, you're introducing new actions, and each time you do, I
think there should be a paragraph break.
Renee’s throat burned and sealed closed.
I think this is overdramatic.
“Now that we’ve met, my life will never be the same.”
The compliment was accompanied with a raising and lowering of the
eyebrows.
He's beginning to come off like a villain, now. At this point,
I'm not sure what your intentions are, but the line of dialogue
seems unrealistic if he were trying to be sincere. It sound campy,
and for villains that works.
Liam’s face twisted in surprise and Renee saw something
in his eyes, something intense, hot, and dangerous. He flung his
head back and laughed—an infectious laugh that set heads turning.
Everyone in the room stopped and stared before resuming their
chatter.
Again, a little overwritten. Your characterization of Renee is
excellent in her actions and dialogue. But when we get into her
inner monologue I start to skim.
cocking his head to one side and cupping his hand
behind his left ear.
A little too choreographed for fiction, in my opinion.
Silently she regarded him with his long legs braced and
hands resting lightly on his hips; she felt the flush on her face
deepen—it felt good to be tempted.
This line felt out-of-place to me. For pacing's sake, it just
broke the flow of their exchange.
Renee’s heart skipped a beat at the seductive promise
in Liam’s voice. She could feel the blood pulse in her veins, and a
strange heaviness in the pit of her stomach. She felt emotionally
charged, all dressed up and ready—gloriously ready. From under her
mascara-highlighted eye lashes she looked up into his face and
hesitated.
It's doing some of the same stuff I mentioned already. But
another thing-- the line "From under her mascara highlighted
eyelashes" is a break in perspective, because she can't see her own
eyelashes unless she's looking in a mirror.
“You’re teasing aren’t you?” Liam asked.
What is this in response to?
He said nothing more, just looked at her, his chest
rising and falling with quickened breaths; his eyes were focussed:
alert, alive, studying her with curiosity. His silence conveyed
strength and power.
A bit much.
struggling with the power he seemed to have over her.
She looked away and stared across the room as she felt a sudden
stab of panic. She wasn’t used to male domination; she always
picked her own marks. A warm hand on her bare arm drew her eyes
back to Liam’s face. His scent went straight to her brain. She felt
his hot breath, only inches from her face, warm her lips; she
imagined kissing the seasoned-with-experience mouth, tasting it,
sharing its secrets—and giving up some of her own. Are you crazy?
Renee’s brain screamed. With supreme effort she pulled back,
shocked by her lascivious thoughts.
You can probably guess what my comment is.
Liam’s eyes sparkled and, as if he had read her mind,
his lips curled in a cheeky smile. “Your phone number!” he said, as
he slid a neatly folded handkerchief from his pocket, Renee pulled
a lipstick from her evening bag, and with hands shaking scrawled
the numerals on the linen—big and bold. She wanted to be
found.
This is all well written, although at times I felt it
overwritten to the point of wavering off topic. But I've isolated
this part here because it's your last two paragraphs-- where I want
to know the point of this chapter.
Your teaser prologue is interesting, but I've forgotten what
happens in it- except for the fact that Renee is to be contacted in
relation to a hit.
The opening of the chapter, with Renee contemplating having to
give a speech, begins well and moves well into the party scene. But
then the plot seems to come to a complete stop when she encounters
the mysterious stranger. To me, the plot is lost and we move into a
lot of (forgive me for saying so) Romance novel -esque writing. I
get the feeling this is going to be a spy thriller- it's got a Bond
type of thing going for it. Much of it is written well. Your
ability with words, the sound of your sentences, and eloquent
vocabulary are all bonuses. Never did I feel a word was too
intellectual for the context. But the end of the chapter left me
feeling it needed more. I think Renee should give her speech by the
end of the chapter, giving something for us to be interested enough
to read Chapter 2-- beyond her lustful thoughts and prospect for a
date (unless this is, in fact, a romance novel).
Hope this feedback helps you out. Good luck.
unnecessary, but just my opinion.
"style.... rattled him." I think you can omit a few of the modifiers in between subject and verb here.
I don't know what he means.
I think this sentence is weaker than the rest of the first few paragraphs. The preceding material is written well, so this sticks out.
Just a bit too much description that (I suspect) won't contribute to the plot.
Again, I know you know precisely what they're wearing, but at this stage of the chapter I just want to get into the story.
"Range" is not an appropriate verb in this case, I believe.
This is great writing.
You're demonstrating a good sense of panning (wide) description and redirecting back to the intimacy of Renee's thoughts. Nice work.
This needs a dialogue tag- because I initially thought it was Renee's thought. "...said a familiar voice from behind her."
I think Renee needs a moment to look at him, so we (reader) can look at him and process the character a little more before Renee begins interacting with him.
I'm half hazy on this description. She's twirling, like a pirouette, correct? "sedate" doesn't seem to be an appropriate adjective in that case. It's a neat gesture- don't want you to lose it in the mind of the reader.
not sure if "balloon" is the right verb. Balloon, to me, suggests something inflating. I think in the case of champagne, it's either spilling or foaming.
This could use a paragraph break.
"steamy thoughts in her mind" seems rather non-descriptive in the context. The words "steamy thoughts" are more romance-novelish.
"What felt like electricity"
Unnecessary- it's already implied.
"was no better" implies the narrator knows what the stranger is thinking, which breaks perspective. I think you can simply begin with "He stood in silence..."
"pulse" in this case should probably be "heart beat" because it's 3PL, so unless she specifically holds her hand to an artery she can't really feel her pulse. But she can feel her heart rate.
This is a tad overwritten for me.
Also, you're introducing new actions, and each time you do, I think there should be a paragraph break.
I think this is overdramatic.
He's beginning to come off like a villain, now. At this point, I'm not sure what your intentions are, but the line of dialogue seems unrealistic if he were trying to be sincere. It sound campy, and for villains that works.
Again, a little overwritten. Your characterization of Renee is excellent in her actions and dialogue. But when we get into her inner monologue I start to skim.
A little too choreographed for fiction, in my opinion.
This line felt out-of-place to me. For pacing's sake, it just broke the flow of their exchange.
It's doing some of the same stuff I mentioned already. But another thing-- the line "From under her mascara highlighted eyelashes" is a break in perspective, because she can't see her own eyelashes unless she's looking in a mirror.
What is this in response to?
A bit much.
You can probably guess what my comment is.
This is all well written, although at times I felt it overwritten to the point of wavering off topic. But I've isolated this part here because it's your last two paragraphs-- where I want to know the point of this chapter.
Your teaser prologue is interesting, but I've forgotten what happens in it- except for the fact that Renee is to be contacted in relation to a hit.
The opening of the chapter, with Renee contemplating having to give a speech, begins well and moves well into the party scene. But then the plot seems to come to a complete stop when she encounters the mysterious stranger. To me, the plot is lost and we move into a lot of (forgive me for saying so) Romance novel -esque writing. I get the feeling this is going to be a spy thriller- it's got a Bond type of thing going for it. Much of it is written well. Your ability with words, the sound of your sentences, and eloquent vocabulary are all bonuses. Never did I feel a word was too intellectual for the context. But the end of the chapter left me feeling it needed more. I think Renee should give her speech by the end of the chapter, giving something for us to be interested enough to read Chapter 2-- beyond her lustful thoughts and prospect for a date (unless this is, in fact, a romance novel).
Hope this feedback helps you out. Good luck.