HBS Version (Draft) 2, Chapter 1: Ch. 1 - The Senator
science fiction, fantasy, action, history
Published on:
February 22, 12:21amWord Count:
2702Work Description
Same as HBS Draft 1...
Chapter Description
Same as version one... with edits. POV has been changed, limited omniscence, history edited.
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Side Note: my current membership level does not allow me to italicize. As such, news reports may not come out correctly. There are 13 languages incorporated into the whole story, and words and phrases are italicized, but they may not be done here.
Chapter One: The Senator
“All it takes to start a war is to find someone willing to start it.”
-Sir David Beatty
Sunday, July 10<sup>th</sup>, 2665
Bath, Centaur
To journey through time and get a glimpse of the past is to engage in the truest form of history. To research the individuals responsible for the War of Ages is to research the darkest time in our galaxy’s timetable. Much is lost, distorted, or changed outright.
Few can handle the truth.
**
It is said the crowd gathered outside the Hall of Ancients could not have been greater if all the Erobotic Warriors had been assembled. While this is a bit of a stretch, the motorcade is four city blocks long. Each hovercar, a convertible limousine, is stuffed with heirs, princes, and noblemen. Trailing them are major figures of the entertainment world waving at fans with anorexic hands. Surrounding all groups are reporters from various news agencies continuing to inflate the image of the liberal cause. There are also the paparazzi, whose endless presence annoys all.
The crowd is a mixture of twenty and thirty year olds, the typical age group that gathers around a young, progressive Senator on his way to stardom. Rumors float through the air: will Senator Michaels become Senate Leader? Will he run for President of Barol? The answer is, nobody knows.
"… as thousands are gathered on South Street alone, just outside the Hall of Ancients, for a chance to get a glimpse of the Senator, who will give a speech on the Roman Remnant Order's recent invasion of Kaladan, which has drawn so much attention from conservative governments like Holan and Centaur…"
"Recent invasion my foot… it's a massacre and they know it!"
Standing in the lobby with roughly three inches of bulletproof super-glass between him and a mob of reporters, photographers, and fanatics, Winston Colipiths studies the holovision monitor that has been activated several feet away. The news moves away from the Kaladan war and projects an image of Senator Michaels' light space cruiser, Sultan I, nestled between two elderly Centauran battleships serving as escorts. The news does not give their names. Winston recognizes them as HMS Queen Mary and HMS Inflexible. The tagline reads, Adequate Protection? A voice-over reports these ships are inadequate protection for the Senator's visit, and a clear statement that Michaels is not welcome on Centaur. Winston scoffs, but agrees both warships are veterans of the Great War, in particular the Battle of the Faulklands, and should have been retired long ago.
Winston continues watching the holo-vision, occasionally glancing at his texter. It is nearing eight in the morning. Already it is stifling, and while central cooling units were at maximum in the building, Winston could see the early morning's heat taking its toll on the crowd.
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I pretty much agree with Santini's critique. My primary reaction to this is a great big "why" and no enthusiasm at all for reading the next chapter. The history interspersed with the non-action is confusing and not engaging. The re-use of historical/mythical names is also confusing - ditto for the (seemingly) pointless multilingualism. The sexual abuse angle, the gender inequality angle, and Winston's psychological issues are far too big to try and address them all together in less than 3,000 words. I recognize that there's a big world here, a lot of background to convey. But tiny tiny tastes of a dozen different dishes do not make a satisfying meal. This story should start small - much, much smaller than this unappealing pastiche of a chapter.
I would rather read about one character doing something than four characters doing nothing. If this first chapter was just about Winston and just told us about the first important thing (important to the story) he did, it would be a lot more engaging.
The idea is sound and your use of words is;better than most. I found there was very little action and a lot of telling. The tension scale is very low for the first five pages. Take a look at Star Wars. The Imperial Cruiser is on the attack. the droid is launched, and Darth Vader is introduced well before Luke or Hans come on the scene. Starting with a motorcade is fine, but only if something happens to it. I noted the history had been edited. You might try weaving the history into the story line in small bites.