Hey, Shane! I have put off critiquing this because I was trying to formulate my thoughts concerning it. Um. Overall, I think that you've got a strong image which you're depicting very clearly; if poetry is as close as words get to pure imagery, you definitely have the right idea. The images are very clear, and I like the little details you choose to sharpen them. my favorite line is

plaid pajama pants and nervousness

because it's just... i dunno...it just works really well.

I guess that the thing that keeps me from being really enthusiastic about this is that I'm unclear about...what precisely you're trying to convey, other than this image of this slightly pathetic girl for whom I feel vaguely sympathetic. That sounds harsh. Let me try again. I can't tell what sort of emotion the narrator (?) feels. It's slightly confused, thematically--rather like the girl herself, it seems, for whom it is hard for me, at least, to work up more than vague pity. Maybe that's because I'm a cold hearted wretch, and has nothing to do with your poem. But the last line sounds almost--apologetic? Sad? Which makes me think that you want us to feel sorry for her. If that's the case, the rest of it needs tinkering. If, however, you want us to share her confusion and slight patheticness, that's what the rest of the poem is working toward, for me.

Of course the line that sticks out, but that I'm not sure if it's doing much for you, is

Awkward awkward awkward

which definitely could work toward both themes I see but seems a little bit unfinished, perhaps too simple. On second thought, though, I sort of like the simplicity. Maybe I would like it more if it weren't capitalized? I dunno. Oh well.

What you've done a really good job with is conveying the awkwardness of the whole experience/scene the poem describes by breaking up the lines into (awkward) bits and pieces and pauses, so that it comes across as stilted and graceless as the girl's confused strip tease. I really like how that works.

So I guess I think that it's interesting, and parts of it are really good, and that, depending on what you're trying to convey, either the end or the whole middle needs a little bit of tinkering with.
 But I'm certainly leaning toward liking it. Good job! I await further drafts with anticipation (if, that is, you intend to further draft this).

I enjoy this piece awfully muchly, and as such, feel a need to deal harshly.

Awkward awkward awkward

does not describe this situation adequately, or even remotely. To my jaded, internetted eyes, the very word "awkward" recalls nothing aside from that one conversation Carrie overheard, or possibly OkCupid. "Awkward" is cliched, clinging now to the tongues of college volleyball players and high school art students as a generic signifier for any and all uncomfortable situations.

Cut it. More than cut it, biopsy that shit.

On a more pleasant note, the subtle humor of the last line

She was wearing a red shirt.

is a wonderful addition to the piece. Props.

 Shane!

It's lunchtime now, so I'll get down to telling you what I think about your poem.

Flat-out: I liked "Sidewalk Meeting" a great deal more. Perhaps that's because I usually really enjoy your work and thus have high expectations. This poem just kind of fell flat for me. Meghan's already articulated some of my reasons for this. You give us very clear images, but it's hard to draw any themes from the piece. And I think I've discovered why --

Awkward awkward awkward

I really hated this line when I first read through the poem. It just doesn't fit sound-wise or meaning-wise. Reading Carl's comment, I understand why. "Awkward" has become cliched and does not really capture the complex situation you've showed us; you don't do your subject justice by writing off the situation as "awkward". Once you remove that line, the whole poem comes together much more; I can start to see it as a whole.

Though I can see some humor in the last line, I dislike it because it's missing something, some point you haven't made yet, or some idea that needs to be disclosed to finish it up. No, I don't what that idea is exactly, I just have a feeling that it's not there. The current last line feels like a cop-out to me, an easy way of saying "It's over!".

Also, this is a good line, I agree.

plaid pajama pants and nervousness

Shane, you're great. You know that. This piece, to me, just needs a little more work.

Shane!

I enjoyed the poem quite a bit in its style and diction but I'm not sure if the structure you've used makes the most sense. Unless you're going strictly for awkwardness in structure as well as theme I think maybe you should go back over it and see if you can find a concrete reason for the placement and construction of the lines. If you can't then they probably need to be restructured. I really like the poignancy of a lot of the lines but others seem to be arbitrarily placed about. 

as she takes off her white bra.

this it the part that bothers me the most because it is so broken up. If you are going for sheer awkwardness in its construction then maybe you should leave it because it left me feeling very confused and awkward.

All in all I enjoyed it quite a bit and just feel like a little more careful revision would really make it shine.

 Howdy, Shane!  I liked the poem in general, but I felt it was strongest when not broken up.  The imagery is clearer in a single line than that of the descending segments.

So, this

Chokes back tears

but she doesn't know why

 as opposed to

 as

she takes

off her

white bra.

 

In my opinion, it made what you were trying to show more disjointed (perhaps this was your intent and I blithely missed it?).  Also, each seperated word or segment does not lend itself to creating the image or action described by "as she takes off her white bra."  It could just be the structure that is throwing me off, but as I went over this portion I had trouble encompassing the image until I imagined it as a single line.  I just think that, in this case, slightly longer and more fluid sections better describe what you are trying to show.

Rather than going over things people have already mentioned, I'll just talk some more about the stuff I liked.   I like the line

She

stands in front of a mirror

in front of a camera

because it could be several different things, and by several I might mean two.  She could be standing before a mirror with the camera facing her, or she might be standing before a mirror with the camera also facing the mirror, so the camera is catching her reflection.  Kinda neat, I think.

One part that helps to add something (not quite sure what. Boy, am I helpful) is

Chokes back tears

but she doesn't know why

because the reader is not given a stated reason as to why this girl/ woman is doing this.  This line tells me that she does not know, or does not think she knows.  It helps create a confused and disconnected feel about the poem.  I connected this part to

blows a kiss

waves

weak smile,

because together they seemed to develop an emotionally distraught person, who is nearly crying but also trying to smile, at none other than herself.

Cool stuff!  Sorry it took so long for me to post my critique.

Shane!  I really like this poem, but I think I might be reading it wrong.  Either way I really like the way I'm reading it and I hope it manages to say something.

I feel like the narrator's voice is a lot stronger in the poem then most other people have been giving him credit and the breaks in the format help to show this. (I'll be breaking with / because the quote didn't format right and I don't feel like correcting)

She /stands in front of a mirror /in front of a camera /and /almost cries /as she takes off her red shirt

The poem is broken up, kind of fragmented, it seems to me at least, because that is how the narrator is experiencing the situation, fragmented and not fluid.  The narrator's reaction is thrown into the middle of his experience.  Here the narrator is watching this girl as she strips for him and he doesn't know how to react.  In fact, he almost cries.  Soon he is chocking back tears but the girl doesn't know why.  (this makes more sense to me.  I understand why the girl might be stripping and almost crying without knowing why but the poem doesn't feel as right to me that way)

Why does the man feel this way?  I feel like he probably hasn't had much experience with this kind of situation and doesn't know how to react.  His eyes are darting around the scene trying to focus on something else (like plaid pajama pants)  And while I agree with Carl that the word Awkward is a little overused by some crowds I do think it fits in here.  It is an awkward line in an awkward place just like the narrator.  Without  the awkward I don't like the next line as much.

Then she blows a kiss and waves and a feeling of comfort comes over the narrator and he smiles, weakly.  And then, as tends to be the case in these situation, the importance the narrator feels in retrospect, what he connects to (and the last line has the feeling of rememberance to me) is the red shirt.

Let me know if I'm anywhere close to right or helpful please ^_^ 

  Alright, let me preface this with letting everyone know that I'm sorry for missing the deadline, both for critiquing and publishing. I missed the critiques. My bad. But I tried to publish my script, and as it turns out you have to have a certain amount of "karma" points. So, I decided to try and actually do a critique. However, I am not too keen on poems, and am not fully prepared to analyze this work. I did talk to Shane though, and he said to go ahead and rant. When you read this and it isn't exactly what a critique should be, bear with me, I just need the points. So don't go and tear down this comment with bad ratings. That would suck. Now that that's out of the way...

 Alright Shane, let's see...this is the second porn poem I've had to read and I did not see a clear theme here. I did get that it is about porn, which is more than I can say about the other. (Sorry) This poem was very interesting to read, but I don't know what you wanted me to take away from this. Porn good? Porn bad? Porn awkward? A theme should be clear in such a provocative piece, and it does not have to be spelled out, but at least give the reader a hint.

 Mood was perfect. I felt nervous and guilty for reading this. It has that innocence lost feel to it, and the reader is sleazy because they know how she [the subject] feels, but we continue on anyway. This would make a real life scenario quite awkward if you were there. But the line, "awkward awkward awkward," should not be there. The reader's place is awkward, but the girl's is not. Hers is more nervous, scared, or violated. And her boss is definitely not feeling awkward. The line itself is good, but it is misplaced, it would be the only part not about the situation, instead about how the audience feels. That kind of change of pace needs to be more explicit in a poem.

I liked everything else about it, but then again I don't normally dissect poetry. I especially liked the last line, and I don't know why. Thanks for getting through this long-ass critique. Sorry if it isn't any good.

Hey mister! Sorry I slacked off for so long on critiquing this. The reason is: I'm not-so-secretly an incredibly lazy and forgetful person. Anyway.

I preface with the specificity that I know next to nothing about poetry and the writing of successful poetry, if my past critiques didn't prove that to you.

Everyone's already said everything there is to say about cutting your "awkward" line. But yes. Cut it. Maybe throw something in there that conveys this feeling instead? Especially since it isn't strictly awkwardness--you're moving from what is being observed (porn) to the observer, and there's a whole mess of emotion that goes along with that act outside of simply "awkwardness." 

I like the simplicity. I don't like some of the formatting. At times the line breaks feel a little arbitrary. Do you have conjunctions on their own lines to give pause, or because you don't know if you want it at the beginning of a line or the end of the line before it? I assume it's the former, but this isn't clear enough to me and comes off as a bit of an afterthought.

I disagree with you fundamentally on the message of the poem (in part at least), but that's actually a good thing--it means I get what you're trying to say. So...hooray forever!

 I think your poem is very...unfinished. There are many ways you could rework it to make it so muc more flowing but still retain the awkwardness of reading it (if that is your intent) the way it is written. As in the first stanza:

Skinny with blonde hair

and

highlights.

These lines you could bring together as "Skinny, With blonde hair and highlights". It makes the first lines flow nicely but still has a bit of awkwardness.

She

stands in front of a mirror

in front of a camera

and

almost cries

as she

takes off

her

red shirt

These lines just don't flow correctly for me. I would rearrange the lines as "She stands, In front of a mirror, In front of a camera, And almost cries, As she takes, Off, Her red shirt". It makes it flow much better and slows down the image so that the reader gets a more vivid picture ( I am striaght, I say this only because it is true). I also agree with Mr. Croup that the line abotu the camera could mean the two things and that it is neat that you leave it up to the reader to decide.

Blows a kiss and she waves.

 

Chokes back tears

but she doesn't know why

as

she takes

off her

white bra.

The first line just doesnt fit to me. I mean, after reading the poem I understand why that line is in there, but it just interrupts the flow, adding it there. The other lines, create for me the image of someone being forced to strip tease or of someone unhappy with her choice or confused. But the way you wrote the lines distracts the reader. If I were to rewrite it, I would do something like this "She chokes back tears, But she doesn't know why, As she, Takes, Off, Her, White, Bra". It slows down the image making it more vivid.

Awkward awkward awkward

plaid pajama pants and nervousness

These two lines, to me, contradict each other in brilliance. The first line is very repetitive and takes away from the poem while the second line is the best in the poem. Its very vivid, and the alliteration only adds to its amazingness. I suggest throwing away the "Awkward awkward awkward" and finding a new line to describe the situation.

blows a kiss

waves

weak smile, and

 

She was wearing a red shirt.

The concluding lines I think somewhat throw off the poem. Instead of starting with "blows a kiss" I would rewrite it as "She blows a kiss, As she waves, Casts a weak smile" and then I would leave your dramatic pause and finish it off with the line "Not wearing her red shirt". It makes the poem more finished to me. those are just simple changes and only suggestions at that so please disregard anything you find that i said that offends.

Other than the slight awkwardness of the breaks, the poem is well written and creates a vivid image to the reader. Great job!

 Shane,

I was struck by this poem from the opening line.  I understand several critiques of the line

"Awkward awkward awkward"

Since it really has become a byword for a hip new generation of youths whose desire is to see the world as a Napoleon Dynamite-esque reality.  However, I believe that the poem needed exactly that sort of line to divorce it from the intimate, deeply self-indulgent poems about, sob, body issues (either anorexia or overeating).  Like I said, I was drawn to the whole idea from the very first line.

"Highlights."

Really got me, visually, and informed the awkwardness of the situation to follow.  Not the slick hip awkwardness of the Juno screenplay, but legitimate visceral awkwardness.  If this is what you were going for, then I applaud you for capturing it.  

"Plaid pajama pants"

Was really a nice touch, since it added some detail without indulging the audience in a sympathetic sigh, as would have been the case were she wearing really stupid or pathetic pants, or better yet really sexy silk underwear.  You took the middle road and I think that was all you could do with this moment.  

Of course, I'm sympathetic to the girl, who but a cold-hearted villain wouldn't be, but my pity is colored with just the right amount of disdainfulness, the kind that makes you exhale and say 'yikes!' at the same moment.  I'm glad you didn't commit the narrator too much on either side except for the 'awkward' line, which is what you, or I, or any thinking person would say if presented with a scene this exceptionally awkward.

Thanks for the really interesting poem.

 The imagery is definitely there, but you could have revved it up a bit, showing more of her emotions. I am assuming this is a first model shoot and there's a bit of nervousness going on, but you sort of put a damper on it with the "awkward" bit. Was she that much of an ingenue or was there something elso going on?

Nicely done.....   Shilohx7