Hey Galloway,

I loved it.

And maybe there is some personal bias going on there that tilts my opinion in that direction, but that's why we call it an opinion, right? 

Back to my point.

Your first two lines hit hard. You've got some heavier, consonant sounds going on there with basic, specific words that give the reader great unified sound and then clear sense on top of that. Excellent way to start the poem. I'm not sure if you noticed it, but those three stressed beats all in a row at the end of the 2nd line

And my eyes hit ground.

leave a serious impression on the reader. In the best possible way. You convey volumes in the space of two, short lines. Bravo.

2nd stanza: What if you changed "she is" to "she's" ? It would cut down the line a bit and make it blunter. I like the intention in the 3rd line of that stanza. It fleshes out the character and the piece, like a swift burst of air into an inflatable.

3rd stanza: What about "connect" rather than "are connected" ? Activate it? And then for the last lines of the poem, I respect the effect you're striving for with the formatting. I played around with those lines a little, and came up with this arrangement.

I make sure our eyes are connected,

but she just

walks 

on

by.

Not too drastic a change, but see what you think of that. It recreates the effect of those three strong beats at the beginning, and could lend towards a finished feel for the piece.

Excellent work, Galloway. Short and sweet, but with a mighty slap.

 Love it, Love it, Love it.

This was great I had a blast reading it. Sometimes you just get so much heavey reading that you feel as if your drowing or something.

I agree with Wood, I like the last part, but if you changed it just a little it would add to the effect more.

I did not see anymore spelling, gramer is ok, and you are useing a different type of style that I dont want to get in to. Great job all around. Keep writing.

Hi Shane,  This is my first critique.  I felt that your poem was neat.  Not one hundred percent polished but you knew that.  My biggest criticism is that it seems to pull back at the end.  What I mean is that it felt more honest before the last two lines.

Oh, well...

 

I forgot her name anyway.

I guess that's actually three lines with the space in the middle.  I thought the initial poem was actually really interesting (I actually didn't see these lines till my second read through, stupid scroll-bar).  They seemed to dismiss the rest of your poem.  I think the coolest (most powerful and interesting) line/ lines is/are

but

she

just

walks

on

by.

Not only does it illustrate the hope you feel but the awkwardness of staring having a connection and it being ignored, but also the act of a person walking by, word by word.  It draws it out.

I sorta interpreted this as a bit of an unrequited love poem.  Your poem on second thought is not an unrequited love poem, but I thought it would make more sense that way.  Maybe not unrequited love but at least unrequited liking of a person.  The signal to me was

I spy her up ahead

And my eyes hit ground.

I figure your eyes wouldn't react that strongly if you went at the very least liking the person.

(I also felt that

And my eyes hit ground.

didn't feel right.  The idea of eyes hitting the ground seemed like too much for an averted glance (I actually got the image of eyes slamming against the ground.) I don't have a good replacement though.)

I don't know if this critique is going to be useful.  Lisette Wood's critique focus on on rhythm and diction which might be more helpful

I agree that you should change the she to she's

2nd stanza: What if you changed "she is" to "she's" ? It would cut down the line a bit and make it blunter. I like the intention in the 3rd line of that stanza. It fleshes out the character and the piece, like a swift burst of air into an inflatable.

and

3rd stanza: What about "connect" rather than "are connected" ? Activate it?

the active sounds better gives it that affirmative feel.

My critique wants this poem to change subject and framework I think too much.

I was a bit confused with

I look back up

And she is smiling.

Our eyes will meet and she’ll smile at me.

because, the idea that "our eyes will meet" makes me think you are still looking down.  especially since she is still smiling.

Never mind I fail at critiquing poetry.

I'm about to do something rude.  I shouldn't.

I kinda want your poem to go like this (God this is too rude, sorry)

I spy her up ahead

And my eyes hit ground. (something else here other than hit)

 

When I look back up

Our eyes will meet and she will smile at me.

 

I will make sure our eyes connect,

 

I look up

but

she

just

walks

on

by.

Thats rude, sorry.  God (I put it in quotes so this doesn't go to my word count)

I also think the "And" on lines two and four should be lower case.

 hello shane gannoway-

i liked this short piece because it models well the things we experience in everyday life. even if we dont end up going out with that person! yes, it was very real and a walk down memory lane for me!!! haha.  WELL DONE again!!!!!!

~Fainne

  The first two lines are solid.

And my eyes hit ground

That was awesome! The absence of the word 'the' before ground is awesome.

   The middle seems lacking just slightly. The end is awesome. Like an off rhyme in contrast to the nice rhythm of the first lines. Maybe if you make the middle section into full lines and make them as rhythmicalinessy as the first two so that the last two lines have more impact.

   But i loved it!

i love you...

     -Phil

It is too centered on smiling and eye contact.  You don't have to repeat yourself.  Describe what you see in this woman.

And my eyes hit ground.

 This seems like an awkward phrase. It stands out a lot.

I look back up

And she is smiling.

Our eyes will meet and she’ll smile at me.

You just said the same thing twice in two different tenses. This seems unnecessary.

Oh, well...

 

I forgot her name anyway.

Somebody else mentioned that this undercuts the whole tone of the poem. So...either be more lighthearted throughout or change this.

I make sure our eyes are connected,

but

she

just

walks

on

by.

This might work on its own. Maybe. It might be too annoyingly minimalist. It depends on your taste, I guess. I like this section, though.

And my eyes hit ground. 

What a controversial line you've created here. The crowd seems split.

Personally, I love it. It's heavy, it stands out, and it's direct.

Wouldn't it be funny if it had been a typo, and you had actually meant for the word "the" to be included?

Maybe not..

Well done. Simple and to the point. I like how you split up the third stanza. The way that it drags out seems representative of the way the narrator is feeling as it is happening.