Untitled Project, Chapter 1: Chpater One
humor, fantasy, drama, romance
Published on:
May 4, 4:19amWord Count:
1327Work Description
The first chapter on something a project that I started last year, and would like to continue during the summer. Still in early stages and such.
Chapter Description
The first chapter. Mystery, intrigue, and water coolers, I think. Also, and elevator ride!!
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Chapter 1
When a cute girl walks in from the rain, carrying something heavy, you don’t want to help her. You NEED to help her. I mean, it’s imperative. A life and death matter. It doesn’t even matter what she’s carrying. She could be stronger then you. You might not even be able to lift whatever item she’s holding, but as I said before, that’s of no importance. You really need to help her. So you can see, how the way I acted was completely justified.
“Do you need any help?”
She looks up at me, keeping the door propped open with her back, sopping wet, carrying a large orange Gatorade cooler. Even her skirt is damp.
“Uhhh” I didn’t even form a coherent sentence. “Here, let me…” I Hold the door open and let her walk in. It’s awkward because my hand is on the door, which is outside, which is in the rain. So it’s slipping. She slides past me, and I let the door close slowly behind us. I notice again she’s wearing a skirt. A long one, down to her calves at least. It’s a deep blue, with a quirky black pattern of swirls and dots of various sizes. I look up and see that she’s smiling at me.
“Can I carry that?” That’s an awkward question. Should it have been ‘May I carry it?’ I mean I either can or can’t carry it, right?
“Sure,” she says, and hands me the cooler. It is full of some iced-down liquid, and I can hear it sloshing around inside, the ice hitting the sides of the large orange cylinder.
I look over the bulky cooler at her and grin. She is still smiling. Moving a wet strand of hair from her face, she walks over to the elevator, still smiling, and presses a button. I could hear the elevator start up and head down towards us.
“Can you carry it up to my room?”
“Yeah.” I respond quickly. I don’t even think about how heavy the cooler is. Truth is, not very. But it’s slippery and hard to hold.
Waiting there I hastily rush through a list of ideas I can use for elevator conversation.
…
Damn. They’re all terrible. Also, the elevator's just arrived.
We step inside and I notice for the second time she’s wearing a skirt. I can see how damp it is now. Really soaking wet. I’m sure I would be able to see her legs through it, only it’s so dark. She stands in the left corner of the elevator, and I in the right one near the buttons.
I ask a question,
“Fourth floor?” That’s a stupid question.
Of course it’s the fourth floor. She said we were going to her room. And girls only live on the first and fourth floors. We’re in the elevator, so it obviously can’t be the first floor. Stupid, stupid, stupid. What a dumb question.
“Yes.”
“Huh?”
“It’s the fourth floor.” She says.
“Oh.”
I shift my weight and hit the button labeled 4 with my elbow. After the longest two seconds in the world, the elevator starts its ascent. I look at the girl for the first time. I mean, like, I really look at her now. Her eyes are big and green. Vividly green and really big. It’s like if she never blinked again, that would be ok. Her hair is in a sopping ponytail, that stains the back of her shirt. She’s wet all over too. I follow a drop of water that goes down her neck and watch as it hits the light blue, button down shirt she’s wearing and soaks into it, making it even wetter. My eyes are unconsciously drawn to her bra. Her shirt is pretty damn see-through right now and I can’t help but notice how white that particular piece
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Awesome piece! Your voice is very solid but the character is definitely someone different from yourself. I heard things in Owen that i've never heard in you. Which is a good thing, go unique character! I loved it. The descriptions of her were also SOLID. I don't mean that in reference to a penis but in the more badass kind of way. Splendid job! Waiting for chapter 2!
I liked this piece of work but it may be a bit too early to tell. You have a tag marked Fantasy but I don't see any fantasy elements other than
Her wet hand (How is she still so wet?) slaps a door and we both halt
Maybe this gets developed or maybe this is just a mis-tag. I don't think that is a problem though. More fantasy should be this good and have this interesting of a personality. A first person fantasy novel or novella would be really cool, especially if with the personality of the main character.
The only real critique that I have is that I would have liked to see the
list of ideas I can use for elevator conversation.
just because I'm sure they would be perfectly reasonable but would have with them a critique by the narrator which would rationalize them into silence.
I loved pain that is felt at each reasonable thing that is said like
Can I carry that?
or
Fourth floor?
Thats really funny.
Now sorta a line-ish by line-ish critique
You NEED to help her.
I didn't think that you needed that "NEED" to be in all caps. Italics maybe (Oh wait maybe you can't do italics on this website) it would even work if it was all lower case as well.
how the way I acted
would probably make more sense "what I did" maybe up to you of course.
All in all I liked it really.
I'm not very good at these critiques. Oh well. I think it needs to be tightened but not changed too much.
What can I say, I really like this piece. The voice of the narrator is natural and probably based heavily in reality - the inner conversations we have tend to run pretty much like what you've got there, especially when the narrator's at that age and experience level where we are hyper-aware of the mistakes and "shoulda-dones."
But can you give more of a sense of place? I didn't live on campus, so the shorthand for the dorms misses me completely. Is there a smell? Are there echoes? Vending machines? Old furniture?
And is Jane taller, shorter or the same height as Owen? And she's soaking wet, but how does she smell? We know how she looks, of course, but what other things are there that so powerfully attracts Owen?
It's a good setup and I want to see more. Is he going to overcome his goofiness? Is she going to warm to him?
Okay, though I never lived in a dorm I have visited them, and what distractions must Owen overcome to keep focusing on her walk? He bumps into a chair, but does anyone else live in the building? Is there some friend of his that might give one of "those looks" to a fellow young man who is being gallant?
It's the small details that are missing, I guess. A good telling, but somewhat devoid of depth. But I identify with Owen, so please continue so that we can find out what happens.
Hey, hey, you going to write chapter two of this?
Shane! This piece was dripping wet with your voice, just like that girl. I was very interested in the action of the story, I read through it quickly to find out what happened. The humor is great, and your description of that girl Jane walking is astonishingly good. I was impressed.
More later.
Oh, is there more of this?