Untitled Project, Chapter 1: Chpater One
humor, fantasy, drama, romance
Published on:
May 4, 4:19amWord Count:
1327Work Description
The first chapter on something a project that I started last year, and would like to continue during the summer. Still in early stages and such.
Chapter Description
The first chapter. Mystery, intrigue, and water coolers, I think. Also, and elevator ride!!
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of under-garment is.
She tilts her head down, and I whip mine away, embarrassed. But she’s just looking at her sneakers. She sighs. And she bends down, takes off her shoes and socks, delicately.
The doors open and we step outside together. I’m following her now. She turns right, down the hall. Passing dorm room after dorm room, strolling at a not-so-slow pace. We pass door after door, and we don’t stop. Her room must be at the end of the hall.
Thank you God.
I notice everything about her now. Her walk is casual, but with a purpose. Hips swaying slightly, each foot hitting on time, like she follows a rhythm. Bare feet soundlessly touching upon soft carpeted hallway. I wouldn’t believe she was even walking. It was so smooth, like floating. Only each foot left behind the faintest damp print. Her sneakers were held with a finger each, in her right hand. The shoes added to the rhythm. Her hands, arms, hips, feet, and dangling footwear all moved together, to create the perfect walking machine. The sagging, wet ponytail completed the image by bouncing a bit with each step.
I almost trip over a chair in the hallway.
She turns around to face me, but keeps walking. She’s walking backwards smiling at me.
“Here it is.” Her wet hand (How is she still so wet?) slaps a door and we both halt. Mine’s more of a stutter. It dawns on me as she knocks on the door. I need to find out her name. Now.
What was I doing in the elevator? I should have been talking to her. What the hell was I doing in there? How am I just going to ask her name? Would that come off as being creepy? Should I mentally take down her room number? I should ask her something else first. What? That’s stupid. The name. That’s the first thing you always ask. You can’t ask anything about anyone until you have their name. I need to find som--
“I’m Jane.” She says turning towards me, then knocks on the door again, looking at it.
“Owen.”
“Hmm?” Still looking at the door, she turns her head back and hits me with those huge eyes.
“I’m Owen.” I repeat my name.
As a smile forms on her face, the door opens, and her face face tilts slightly. “Nice to meet you Owen.”
I hand off the cooler, awkwardly. I’d forgotten I was carrying it. Now the front of my shirt is drenched, on account of the cooler being pressed so closely to it for such a long, awkward time.
That was a great word to describe the whole encounter. Awkward.
I say this next line without even thinking.
“Well hey, I guess I’ll run into you later, huh?”
WHAT?!?
“Yeah. Maybe Owen.” Still smiling.
The door shuts, I walk down a hall, some stairs, I open a door, and I’m back in my room.
‘Run into you
later‘? What the hell was I thinking?!? Now she’s going to think
I’m some sort of weird stalker. Way to go Owen. Fucking smooth.
I think about the whole experience for a while and decide it didn’t go so poorly after all. After all, I did get her name. Curiously enough, I also found out her room number, which was 435. How did I know that? I never thought I looked at the number.
The lights are out in my room, but everything becomes illuminated for a second when lightning flies across the sky outside my window. Thunder follows shortly after and I think about how I can see Jane again. This is a monster of a problem. I should nap on it, only it’s like 8 at night right now. Instead I grab a book and fall asleep reading about ghosts, aliens, and monsters of
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Awesome piece! Your voice is very solid but the character is definitely someone different from yourself. I heard things in Owen that i've never heard in you. Which is a good thing, go unique character! I loved it. The descriptions of her were also SOLID. I don't mean that in reference to a penis but in the more badass kind of way. Splendid job! Waiting for chapter 2!
I liked this piece of work but it may be a bit too early to tell. You have a tag marked Fantasy but I don't see any fantasy elements other than
Her wet hand (How is she still so wet?) slaps a door and we both halt
Maybe this gets developed or maybe this is just a mis-tag. I don't think that is a problem though. More fantasy should be this good and have this interesting of a personality. A first person fantasy novel or novella would be really cool, especially if with the personality of the main character.
The only real critique that I have is that I would have liked to see the
list of ideas I can use for elevator conversation.
just because I'm sure they would be perfectly reasonable but would have with them a critique by the narrator which would rationalize them into silence.
I loved pain that is felt at each reasonable thing that is said like
Can I carry that?
or
Fourth floor?
Thats really funny.
Now sorta a line-ish by line-ish critique
You NEED to help her.
I didn't think that you needed that "NEED" to be in all caps. Italics maybe (Oh wait maybe you can't do italics on this website) it would even work if it was all lower case as well.
how the way I acted
would probably make more sense "what I did" maybe up to you of course.
All in all I liked it really.
I'm not very good at these critiques. Oh well. I think it needs to be tightened but not changed too much.
What can I say, I really like this piece. The voice of the narrator is natural and probably based heavily in reality - the inner conversations we have tend to run pretty much like what you've got there, especially when the narrator's at that age and experience level where we are hyper-aware of the mistakes and "shoulda-dones."
But can you give more of a sense of place? I didn't live on campus, so the shorthand for the dorms misses me completely. Is there a smell? Are there echoes? Vending machines? Old furniture?
And is Jane taller, shorter or the same height as Owen? And she's soaking wet, but how does she smell? We know how she looks, of course, but what other things are there that so powerfully attracts Owen?
It's a good setup and I want to see more. Is he going to overcome his goofiness? Is she going to warm to him?
Okay, though I never lived in a dorm I have visited them, and what distractions must Owen overcome to keep focusing on her walk? He bumps into a chair, but does anyone else live in the building? Is there some friend of his that might give one of "those looks" to a fellow young man who is being gallant?
It's the small details that are missing, I guess. A good telling, but somewhat devoid of depth. But I identify with Owen, so please continue so that we can find out what happens.
Hey, hey, you going to write chapter two of this?
Shane! This piece was dripping wet with your voice, just like that girl. I was very interested in the action of the story, I read through it quickly to find out what happened. The humor is great, and your description of that girl Jane walking is astonishingly good. I was impressed.
More later.
Oh, is there more of this?