Shane! This piece was dripping wet with your voice, just like that girl. I was very interested in the action of the story, I read through it quickly to find out what happened. The humor is great, and your description of that girl Jane walking is astonishingly good. I was impressed.

More later.

Oh, is there more of this?

    Awesome piece! Your voice is very solid but the character is definitely someone different from yourself. I heard things in Owen that i've never heard in you. Which is a good thing, go unique character! I loved it. The descriptions of her were also SOLID. I don't mean that in reference to a penis but in the more badass kind of way. Splendid job! Waiting for chapter 2!

I liked this piece of work but it may be a bit too early to tell.  You have a tag marked Fantasy but I don't see any fantasy elements other than

Her wet hand (How is she still so wet?) slaps a door and we both halt

Maybe this gets developed or maybe this is just a mis-tag.  I don't think that is a problem though.  More fantasy should be this good and have this interesting of a personality.  A first person fantasy novel or novella would be really cool, especially if with the personality of the main character.

The only real critique that I have is that I would have liked to see the

list of ideas I can use for elevator conversation.

just because I'm sure they would be perfectly reasonable but would have with them a critique by the narrator which would rationalize them into silence.

I loved pain that is felt at each reasonable thing that is said like

Can I carry that?

or

Fourth floor?

Thats really funny.

Now sorta a line-ish by line-ish critique

You NEED to help her.

I didn't think that you needed that "NEED" to be in all caps.  Italics maybe (Oh wait maybe you can't do italics on this website) it would even work if it was all lower case as well.

how the way I acted

would probably make more sense "what I did" maybe up to you of course.

All in all I liked it really.

I'm not very good at these critiques.  Oh well.  I think it needs to be tightened but not changed too much.

 What can I say, I really like this piece. The voice of the narrator is natural and probably based heavily in reality - the inner conversations we have tend to run pretty much like what you've got there, especially when the narrator's at that age and experience level where we are hyper-aware of the mistakes and "shoulda-dones."

But can you give more of a sense of place? I didn't live on campus, so the shorthand for the dorms misses me completely. Is there a smell? Are there echoes? Vending machines? Old furniture?

And is Jane taller, shorter or the same height as Owen? And she's soaking wet, but how does she smell? We know how she looks, of course, but what other things are there that so powerfully attracts Owen?

It's a good setup and I want to see more. Is he going to overcome his goofiness? Is she going to warm to him? 

Okay, though I never lived in a dorm I have visited them, and what distractions must Owen overcome to keep focusing on her walk? He bumps into a chair, but does anyone else live in the building? Is there some friend of his that might give one of "those looks" to a fellow young man who is being gallant?

It's the small details that are missing, I guess. A good telling, but somewhat devoid of depth. But I identify with Owen, so please continue so that we can find out what happens.

 Hey, hey, you going to write chapter two of this?