Solar Eclipse, Chapter 1: The Contract
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The hazy, shimmering half-moon grinned at the young girl
watching it. Three o'clock in the morning was, by all accounts, the
best time to work. Everyone who mattered was fast asleep, and even
the hired guards were likely to be napping in the quiet boredom.
Unfortunately, the young girl was not alone that night, and no
sooner had she leapt gracefully from the second story of her latest
mark than she spotted Rast, one of her fellow guild members, trying
to scale a wall with a grappling hook. She picked up a nearby
pebble and tossed it lightly at him; it hit his shoulder and
dropped with only a breath of sound. Rast turned his head and,
seeing who it was, abandoned his attempt. When they were some
distance away, they stopped in a secluded alley to share a
whisper.
"Sorry. You should have been there ten minutes earlier, there were
some nice things I couldn't fit in here," said the girl quietly,
patting her bulging rucksack.
"Damn! I had a contract," complained Rast.
The girl shrugged. "Can't be helped. What was the contract?"
"A silver goblet and a pearl necklace," replied the young man,
disappointed.
The girl said nothing, but dug through her sack and pulled out a
small, gleaming silver goblet, inlaid with precious jewels, and a
smooth pearl necklace fitted with a gold chain.
"How about this?" she asked, holding them out
Rast beamed a smile at her in the low moonlight.
"Lisha, that's great! Boss's been griping at me for weeks to finish
a contract," he admitted. He reached for the items laying in
Lisha's hand, but she quickly pulled them back.
"Not so fast, Rast," she admonished, amused. "Make it worth my
while."
Rast looked forlorn. "I don't have anything on me but my tools, and
you know I can't part with them."
Lisha shook her blond head. "I don't want your tools, Rast. I had
something else in mind. I need your help with a big job."
A sharp whistle told the whispering pair that the city guards had
been alerted, and Rast was eager to get his hands on the precious
objects. Perhaps with a contract fulfilled Boss would ease up on
him a little bit. "What did you have in mind?" he asked
hurriedly.
"You'll see," grinned Lisha, passing him the necklace and goblet.
"Meet me at the docks tomorrow at sundown," she explained. Rast
nodded, and the two thieves took off in opposite directions,
running silently.
The cool eastern breeze blowing off the top of the Darbi River told
Lisha autumn was approaching, though recently the sun had chosen to
ignore this fact and had been shining as warm as summer. Splashes
of water reached her feet dangling from the pier she was sitting
on, and she was glad she had taken her boots off before sitting
down. It was not quite dusk, and she knew was early, but she had
always enjoyed a waterfront view of a sundown.
The rippling reflection in the shallow water of the bank looked
back at her and smiled. Lisha was by no means the most gorgeous
creature in the land, but even she had to admit she had her
moments. Her long, curly blond hair was let down to her shoulders,
though if she were on the job she kept it tied tight in a bandanna.
She was of average height and sleight build, but she considered
this an advantage; curves on a female thief could be a liability
instead of an asset.
A loud call caught her attention, and she stood and turned to see
the source of the noise. A burly-looking dock patrol guard had
spotted her and was approaching quickly. He was tall, scruffy, and
brute, like the dozens of other guards in the city. "Oy! You
there!" he called as he neared the pier. "Wot's yer name?"
Lisha cleared her throat, adopting a quick cover. "If you please,
sir, my name is Della of the Glade," she drawled in an imitation of
a country accent.
"Della, eh? Wot's yer trade?" growled the guard suspiciously.
"I am an herbs-woman, sir,"
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Hey Spencer,
I just read this chapter. I thought it was good, but I had some questions and suggestions that will hopefully help you.
First thing I noticed was the use of "o'clock" as a time measurement. Does your world rely on clocks as we think of them from a modern perspective? Or do they have something like a water clock or sand timer? Maybe it would add a bit of a more archaic feel if you use "watches" or "patrols" as a time measurement. After all, you do have guards who are working in the night. It might feel a bit more natural (and less mechanistic) to have time be measured that way.
Also, it feels a bit awkward that we find out who Rast is before we learn Lisha's name. Since she is the viewpoint character in this part, I think it would feel a bit more natural for us to know inherently more about her than Rast. That's just a matter of inserting her name somewhere into the first paragraph. "
It might be good to separate your scenes with a # or a ***, just to make it easier to read. I got confused at the scene shift because of the spacing on the screen.
Accents...hmm. I'm not really sure if I'm a big fan of the intentional misspellings in writing dialogue. For some dialogue it works, like the moles in the Redwall series. Brian Jacques couldn't achieve that dialogue without the misspellings. My gut reaction is to say is to spell out the words properly for the security guard's speech. Particularly since the spellings don't spectacularly change the sound of the word. For example, "bottle" sounds the same as "bot'l" when spoken. The look of it would just jar your reader out of the story. It's your call, but I'd change it.
This doesn't make much sense to me:
I'll give ya three, and not a gilded copper more
Something that's gilded is covered in gold, so a gold-plated disk sounds like it'd actually be worth more that a silver piece. Not as much as a solid gold piece, but still a step above a silver piece. Is this phrase meant to show the readers how stupid the guard is?
I'd also separate the whole passage about Rast and the magic merchant into a section all its own, starting with
The "favor" was owed to Rast by a merchant magician who owned a shop specializing in magically enchanted tools.
and ending with:
"I'll remember that. I'd better get going before the guards show up. See you around."
It would just make the passage a bit easier for the reader to distinguish.
I was also curious as to why the thieves' guild would not like the usage of magical tools. I'd think that they'd be in favor of anything that would give them an edge in fulfilling their dues. Is there some sort of unspoken contract with another faction within the city that prohibits the usage of these tools? Or is it a matter of professional pride?
Now, I also noticed some spelling and grammatical errors. I'll just go through those really fast.
In the following sentence, you're missing a period. You should probably also replace "this" with "these," since she's giving him more than one thing.
How about this?" she asked, holding them out
I think you mean "brutish" rather than just "brute" here.
He was tall, scruffy, and brute, like the dozens of other guards in the city.
And that's about it. I'm really looking forward to seeing how this favor is cashed in.
I would like to comment that the overall read on this first chapter wasn't unpleasant, though it reads like a rough draft as far as basic clean-up editing goes for initial submissions. Some basic rules have been broken in the chapter, including too many adverbs,
likely
Unfortunately
gracefully
lightly
quietly
hurriedly
silently
recently;
redundant dialogue descriptions,
said the girl quietly, complained Rast, replied the young man, disappointed. Not so fast, Rast," she admonished, amused
You are telling instead of showing or allowing your reader to assign emotions to your characters in these unnecessary descriptions your adding to the dialogues, as well as insulting them by assuming they cannot guess for themselves what the characters might be feeling ect. This is a common error for many writers, (one that I suffered from and still have to go back and edit out of my writing all the time). I try to only use said or replied, and only when I really have to keep the speakers straight. I almost never use a descriptive word following something spoken unless its the turning point for a major plot line or sub plot, or some other equally critical purpose, and even then I try not to. It just makes my prose sink to the bottom for most readers.
Repetitive word usage and clichéd descriptions, (I will let you find those)
I did like the basic characters introduced and the overall read felt authentic, if a bit too plain in the area of originality for dialogue and descriptive turns of phrase. I think with some spit and polish and a little cleaning here and there, it would shape up very nicely.
The plot here is simplistic and the hook very plain. There is little or no real tension in the pace or action for this first chapter. A general feel for the characters is introduced, but nothing stunning or memorable occurs. The tension builds are a bit of plain blackmail, rather transparent with no real pressure involved, and an overly stupid guard who is easily duped and sent away. The interaction between the characters is tepid and a little wooden at best, with nothing really memorable there either. It was easy reading, but left me bored. My heart never moved an inch faster. I would much prefer some real tension building events to occur in the first chapter of any story I begin. It makes me hungry for a deeper venture into the plot.
The pace felt very natural throughout the read, with nothing rushed or dragging. Very well patterned! The meter of the events, description, and conversations felt natural and believable.
The descriptions were fairly common, and wooden, with little authenticity or originality. Tons of cliche's and common descriptives. (Again I will let you find those. Its easy if you look for them. try to find catchy metaphors or vivd descriptions to take the place of common everyday nouns and scenes. Its spices up the visuals for the reader.
The POV for all concerned is good as far as I noticed. Nothing broke the flow of my read on that account.
Again, a bit wooden and flat. Nothing too unique about any of them, and I think more originality and a little more danger from your protagonist might be nice. Of course I am prone to favoring stronger female characters so...
As the examples in the intro showcased, you need to be cognizant of redundancies in your speech strings when it comes to describing emotional or even mental and physical states during speech. The words themselves almost always serve to notify the reader exactly how what and where the speaker is at on every level, including volume, usually deduced by the environmental factors involved. Obviously a pair of thieves will be whispering outside a recently robbed residence in a city patrolled by night time guards.
A couple of verb confusions laying/lying ect. nothing major. Overall the grammer is smooth and everything is dotted and crossed very nicely.
Your pace and flow are incredibly good. Your descriptions are boring and your characters a little flat. Edit for your basic errors, (I learned most from a book called "The First Five Pages" and try to rewrite anything commonplace or cliche'.
It's a good start
I added you for a watch. I do want to see what happens next. So you have me started.
Thanks for the read.
Shawna
first off, i think you rushed the beginning. You could have stretched it out a bit more, perhaps told of her theft mission. It would give you more time to focus more on the character herself. You kind of leave her description open. Another thing that seems strange is the herbal medicine. why would a thief be carrying around a toothache remedy? i was expecting it to be a sort of sleeping drug that would knock him out when he ate it. i think the story was a little rushed, but it was good. You should go back and see if you can stretch it out some more. There are also a few grammar mistakes you might want to look over. Keep up the good work.
Terry Pratchett would be proud of this beginning.