Misplacement
poetry, spiritual, philosophy
Published on:
September 3, 3:48pmWord Count:
96Work Description
About the nature of (capital) sins and love; inspired by an excrept of Dante's Divine Comedy:
Hence thou mayst comprehend that love must be
The seed within yourselves of every virtue,
And every act that merits punishment.
- Dante Alighieri, The Divine Comedy, Purgatory, Canto 17, Tercet 35; translation by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
This might also be regarded as an opening poem to a project of mine, trying to write stories themed around the capital vices. However, all drafts made so far on those stories have been scrapped.
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What is lust, but love of
sex?
What is waste, but love of food?
What is greed, but love of goods?
What is sloth, but love of rest?
What is wrath, but love of death?
What is spite, but love of gain?
What is pride, but love of self?
What is sin, but misplaced love?
Misplaced love, the root of sin,
belongs to the human soul,
which the Lord made in his like
and gave to us to do his will.
did the Lord want us to sin,
and does he sin, if we're like him?
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Okay, I can see where you were attempting to go with this. And I must say, it was a good idea. However, when you put this idea you had into context, it seems as though you didn't even try. Even ideas deserve respect, my friend. This idea deserved to be worked on endlessly until it was done to the point in which no one could deny it being the greatest piece ever written.
You had a pattern going in the beginning, which is normally a good thing. Generally, a pattern helps the start stick through till the end. However, halfway through, you just ditched the pattern and went into an entirely diferent direction.
The rhythm is done rather nicely. I like the seven syllables in every line. However in lines twelve and fourteen, you had eight syllables which kind of threw me off.
I think a rhyme scheme might have helped just a bit. Lines four and five hit me with more passion than the rest of the poem did.
I believe that with a little work, some touch-ups here and there, this poem could become something excellent. Just keep working out a few of the pieces and it should be fine.
And please take kindly to this critique, I mean no harm. These are just my opinions.
Initial part of the poem sounds a bit cliché to me. I wish the poem was only this:
"Misplaced love, the root of sin,
belongs to the human soul,
which the Lord made in his like
and gave to us to do his will.
did the Lord want us to sin,
and does he sin, if we're like him?"
I understand the idea you are trying to convey. However, it doesn't tell me something new or something that i already know in a different way... but I also feel like you are suddenly jumping to a new "context" with the last 2lines:
" did the Lord want us to sin,
and does he sin, if we're like him?"
These two lines could easily be made into their own poem, which I would encourage you to write. I will look forward to other drafts of this poem.
hmmm...it's just not working for me. I feel like it's preachy and overbearing even though it sounds like it's trying to be thought-provoking and inspirational... I've definitely heard each of these contentions many times before and I'm frankly bored with them. I think you could make it a little more interesting if you had a concrete example for each one... you could probably get away with this if it were an opening for a longer series of prose works illustrating all of these points, but again, they feel so often made that it comes off as a little boring. I love Dante, and I see the connection, but ...yawn. and what does "made us in his like" mean? I know what you're saying, but that could use some rewording. For as standard as the rest of the piece is, that just seems a little jarring. I think the main problem I'm having goes like this: 1) the poem doesn't seem to be saying anything new, 2) there's way too much psychic distance for any emotion to come through, and 3) it's ambiguous what the point even is. Nevertheless, keep working on it. I don't feel like it's beyond saving and if you found inspiration, maybe you just need to do a little more digging.