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My Wedding Vows

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poetry, humour, romance, wedding vows
1st
Draft

Published on:

July 31, 11:25pm

Word Count:

377

Work Description

Yes, these are really the vows my soon-to-be-wife and I will be reading at our wedding. We're very "special".

Obviously humorous (have you noticed a pattern with most of my works yet?) in intent, constructive criticism is still appreciated! I've had to force the metre to do horrible things sometimes, so if anybody can come up with ways to fix that, it would be great.

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We've been together now for quite a while,
And here today I take you as my wife,
And vow to always go the extra mile,
Through times of harmony and times of strife,
For howsoever long may be our life;
And although I myself do not believe:
To haunt you if there is an after-life,
And you of future suitors to relieve,
By poltergeistery if this I can achieve.

My feelings true are no facsimile,
So now I will recount them if I can,
Without resorting to dull homily;
To state them clearly is my humble plan:
My heart was conquered and then overran,
By mind and heart and soul within your breast,
Of all of which and more I am a fan;
And as we rarely make each other stressed,
I think we've found a love that will withstand all tests.

When first we met your online bluster scared,
And I declined to ever ask for aught:
For fear of grammar, talk I never dared;
But then one day when I translations sought,
I found you kind, and then I feared for naught,
And as we talked, discussing sundry things,
Before we knew it, into love were brought.
We met in person; out our hearts did sing,
And now we're at the pulpit, soon to exchange rings.

And from today you're mine forever more,
To have and hold and never to let go;
To hunt you down if your vows you've forsworn,
To rend your flesh and make you anguish know,
And leave you there to rot, the world to show
What happens when a vow is not kept good.
But if, instead of this, you keep your trow,
And show me that you've done all that you could;
In short I swear to love you as a true love should.

This ring I place upon your finger now,
To stay upon it through times good and poor,
And represent my true and sincere vow,
To love and cherish you forever more.
I place this ring on one whom I adore,
To show the truth of all of the above,
To stand forever, sign of our amour,
To indicate to all my pledge of troth,
And here before you now we both do swear our love.

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Discussion

 Stewart,

If there were a cross between Monty Hall, Tim Burton, and Thoreau, you would be able to match them in kind. Nice vows! Don't let anyone change them, and I think you have brass buttons for putting them up for critique. This is your expression (odd though it may be ) thanks for sharing, but keep all of the quirks and "Poltergeistery" (A chicago tribune editor just took hostages because of the use of that word) - again, don't change them.

Keep up the... interesting writing!

Warmest,

B

 

Opening Comments

The first two verses were quite good but the third one was a little strained. I get your sense of humor .  You conveyed your message very well. But you did strain in the 3d verse with "know" and "trow". and some others. I enjoyed reading it because it made me picture a real person with truthful thought.

Themes

It is just my personal opinion and I believe you were sincere but  within your vows do you really need to add poltergeists and your beliefs into the mix?

Moods

The mood was maintained for the most part but perhaps the thoughts could be mellowed out a little.

Imagery

I was not seeing images but the expressions of a person trying to have his mate understand his deep feelings.

Closing Comments

This was a good beginning and with a polishing of the thoughts it will be even better. One example that seems jarring is the ,":My feelings are no facsimile."  I am not a poet but live with a young grand-son who is.  I hope he can get his ideas together as well as you have, so far.

Thanks for your comments and critique!

I agree, I'm definitely doing horrible things to the metre and rhyme-scheme here.  It's partially because I was starting to run out of time (another 3 days!) and so I just gave up and forced it in a few lines.  I take solace in the fact that I will probably be the only person who actually understands most of this at the wedding, heh.

Very clever.  I especially enjoyed:

And from today you're mine forever more,
To have and hold and never to let go;
To hunt you down if your vows you've forsworn,
To rend your flesh and make you anguish know,
 

 I think I may have actually laughed out loud when I read this.  In any case, congratulations and well wishes!

 Congratulations and Best Wishes to you  on your wedding.  Hope the wedding vow turned out well.

Opening Comments

 I think your poem is beautiful. I can tell by just your vows that you will be with your life for a very long time.

Plot

 This poem was vverry good, however it switched...ereas, for lack of better word. you went from moddorn writing to shakphirian writing. (sorry for the spelling. I am dislexic and can't spell to save my life.)

 

Pacing

 The only thing I have to say truly bad about this is that it is a little long winded for my short attention span.

Description

As I said earlier, the wording was a bid difficult to fallow because it switched between modorn and shackphierian.

"When first we met your online bluster scared,...
I found you kind, and then I feared for naught,"
 

Point Of View

 The point of view is verry strong. Please never change it.

Characters

 Your love for your wife (or future wife, if you're not married yet.) is so clear it brought tears to my eyes.

Grammar and Spelling

 I'm not so sure about Grammar and spelling seeing as my grammer and spelling is horrible.

Closing Comments

All I can say is keep going no matter what.

Neat.  I like your vows, with all the weird and sometimes strange rhymes and rhythms.  I also like the ideas expressed, the fierce "gotcha!  gonna keep ya!"   

 I think I read somewhere on this site that you were married the first week in August.  I would like to add my best wishes for continued harmony. 

 

 

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