When Being a Vampire Doesn't Suck
short story, humor, horror, fiction
Published on:
February 28, 5:22pmWord Count:
855Last Edited:
May 28, 6:06amWork Description
This story is ment to poke a bit of fun at the horror genre. It's a work in progress.
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The first blow should have put him in the hospital. The second and third should have killed him. They were solid punches.
Andre Legarde skidded across the debris in the alley. He was confused, hurt, he did what vampires always do when they're in grave danger. He turned into a bat. He was all over the sky for a minute then hung in the eaves of the Lyric Theater and watched the huge man take the girl in his arms.
"You hurt, babe?"
She shook her head.
"I took care of him real good."
"Let's go, Jimmy, I'm scared."
"Of that skinny bastard? I busted him like a toothpick. Jimmy looked at his hands. "Funny there ain't no blood. "You better stay with me tonight."
Andre Legarde sat in the abandond subway station. The smell of damp earth and dead sewer rats helped to calm his nerves. Something was not right with his mouth. Thin pale fingers examined the ragged flesh that was once part of his lips. There was no pain. He touched the part he was worried about and froze. He felt jagged stumps where teeth had been. Quickly he checked the other place he'd been hit. Again he found spiney stumps. Legarde let out a mornful howl.
The sound brought Leticia. She stood in front of Andre hands on the hips of her tall willowy body. She put a candle on a rusting turnstyle and looked closer.
"Andre, what is it? What's the matter? will you talk to me?"
Legarde had his face buried in his hands. "I am in trouble."
"Did you get hung up in an air conditioner again?"
"Worse."
"You didn't come up through a grate and get sucked into a bus motor?"
Andre shook his head. "You promise you won't tell dad?"
"Why should I tell him? Ok, I promise."
Andre looked up and attempted a grin.
"Oh my G-G.... I wish I could say that word sometimes. How the hell did that happen?"
"It's a long story."
"Like "The Stand" it's gotta be long."
"Does it really look bad?"
"Like the boiler room of the Titanic."
"Damn, I wish I could get a good look at it."
"We should be so lucky, I haven't seen my face for over a hundred years. Talk to me."
"I'm swirling out of this sewer grate and I see this gorgeous babe. Neck like Hepburn, you know? So she standing there all by her self and as soon as she ain't looking, I materalize and slip up behind her. There wasn't much to her and I got her down easy. I was just about to tap into that luschious neck, when I got hit three times and kicked so fast it disoriented me. When I got badk here, I discovered this." He pointed to his teeth.
"Wait till papa finds out."
"You said you wouldn't tell."
Leticia laughed. "I don't have to, papa is not blind. I have to get out there and charm a donor or two. One thing is sure about your condition."
Yeah, what?"
"It doesn't suck." Leticia vanished in a smokey swirl.
"Andre." The voice of Dominic Legarde echoed across the platform. "I have something for you to do before the sun comes up.
"Ok, papa." He hid his face in his hands again.
"Look at me when i talk to you."
Andre 's hands trembled as he was forced to reveal his horror.
"What have you done to your mouth? Here, let me see."
Dominic looked closely at the damage. " Momma , come here and see what your idiot son has done. Reminds me of the time Cousin Pierrre flew into the 747 out at Laguardia. I don't think he did this much damage."
"What is it now?" Mama Legarde glanced at the damage. "Takes after your side of the family."
"You know what I gotta do because you're such a klutz? I gotta buy blood. You know who i gotta deal with to buy blood? Mama, tell this schmuck who I gotta deal with." Dominic paced and toyed with his watch fob.
"Whesey Nye." Mamma shook her head.
"You know what that crazy putz was doing the last time I saw him.? He was eating garlick, garlick munching then like they was peanuts. He does that kind of thing to irritate me. My only consolation in this is you have
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You know, this story really hooked me. I was a bit confused in the beginning however:
The first blow should have put him in the hospital. The second and third should have killed him. They were solid punches.
The bat hung in the eaves of the Lyric Theater and watched the huge man take the girl in his arms.
I like the beginning sentence, but the transition to the bat observing the scene, when the bat was the one being hurt, kind of confused me. It took me awhile to sort out the details. We also don't know how he escaped from the scene-did he run away and come back as a bat?
Perhaps the first paragraph could be tweaked to include his escape? Like "...They were solid punches. A wonder then that the culprit had escaped." Or some such thing.
I love the conflict you have created: It really shows how the other family members react in a time of "crisis". It was a good chance for characterization.
I agree with the previous comment that the beginning could be a
little more "fleshed out" but I think once you have gotten the rest
of the story done, you can go back and do that. Otherwise I'll have
to wait longer for the story. 
I love your sense of humor! You do a great job with the jokes! Keep writing!
I got a good chuckle out of this!
I realize you say this is unfinished, so take that into consideration, as I will too!
The dialog was very effective here. Great job with that. Conveyed the humor nicely and I like the sarcastic view of everything.
With the foreshadowing from Leticia, I expected more of a reaction when Dad finally showed up. They both were pretty certain dad was going to have a fit, but it came across that he pretty much just called him an idiot and moved on. I'd flesh out dad's reaction there a bit and you'd be in good shape.
Definitely was fun and I look forward to more when you have it!
this was actually pretty good. Slightly confusing in some parts. You should take the time to describe a little more. Make the reader try and see what you see. Other than that, it was good.
Hah, that would be horrible. I remember when when bent my teeth when I was little. I'm a wimp when it comes to pain so it's not my favorite memory. Anyways, I liked it. You have an interesting way of writing and it makes this story all the more interesting to read.
Ahahah, I found this to be a really light hearted little story. It really did make me chuckle a few times.
This is a very funny and affective line, well done.
This feels kind of awkward, maybe take out the kicking part or have it transition better from the previous sentence.
This is another awkward transition from one sentence to another, especially "the light and the smell of damp earth and dead sewer rats helped to calm his nerves." Take out a couple of the ands and write a smoother transition between the first and second sentences. Perhaps something like this will work well:
"Andre Legarde sat in the abandoned subway station. The smell of damp earth and dead sewer rats helped to calm his nerves."
Another great line.
You have a REALLY good start, some small revisions here and there with some proofreading and you will have a very good little story here that you can generate a more fleshed out story from or just read every once in a while to chuckle about.