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A Fine Idea

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fantasy, short story, drama, humor
3rd
Draft

Published on:

April 8, 6:00pm

Word Count:

1850

Last Edited:

April 11, 4:57am

Work Description

Two men wager on who can fulfill a prophecy the best

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   * Edit 1: Fixed formatting problem 

 

   In the sweet, smoke filled air of the café , amongst the soft and ample cushions, The Omar of the Red Sand held captive the lazy imaginations of the docile crowd with his poetic insight in to their everyday lives. The Omar of the Red Sand was one of the less renown, but no less respectable, Omars, and the café was able to afford his services on a regular basis Tonight he ended his set with a selection from “The Threnody of Iblis”:

     -- Many years shall pass and come;

                            The Emir of Contention, his reign undone.

                             But dawns blessed light Must fade to night

                                                                 And in his dusk did turn to blight

              -- Arrives a hero, born too soon;

                To rescue the night from lights cruel boon,

               Rend the hand from the hall,

               Save the child from his thrall.

                From her chains, the moon, he saves

                And gives the sun unto the grave.

                 --

     The crowd clapped politely as the Omar left the stage, disappearing in to the cascading sheets behind the stage. In the corner of the parlor Mazin lapped up the last remains of his tea from the decorative serving saucer it was delivered it on.

     “Let it not be said that you waste even the smallest drop Mazin.” Yasir, sitting across from him, said. “In the desert, it is most wise that ever drop of water, let alone sweet-tea such as this, be treated as the last one you will ever see.” He said, wiping his hands and mouth clean on his pillow. “Do not look at me like that Yasir” he said preempting his friend’s comments. “One day I will be the one treating you to the entertainment. And let me tell you, it will make you red to think that you once considered this a fine café.”

     “How do you plan on doing that?” Yasir asked.

     “The Poem the Omar just read; I am the one to restore night to the land, when I do so I will be rich beyond measure, with a palace bigger then this city.”

    “With all due respect, Mazin, you do not strike me as the heroic type depicted in the poem.”

    “I am not so crazy Yasir. How many men do you know, whose mother gave birth to them after only eight months? Surly I am the hero who was born too soon.”

     “That is an interesting fact, Mazin, but what about this: My mother gave birth to me when she was only fifteen. She often times would tell me that having a child so soon ruined her life. Surly that must mean that I am the hero who was born too soon, right?”

   Mazin stroked his thin beard for a moment, and then his eyes light up with joy. ”I have an idea my friend.” Reaching in to his pocket he removed a small leather satchel. He dumped the contents on the table between them; five dinar clinked to the table. “We will make a wager. We will see who can fulfill the prophecies in the poem the best. We will have one day to complete as many as we can. Whoever does so, wins. We will meet back here the night after next.”

   Yasir did not have to think long on the wager; the threat of losing five dinar was inconsequential to him. The two men shook hands on the deal, and departed the café.

   Mazin and Yasir met again, two days later, as they had agreed. Much had changed in such a short amount of time. The Sultan Siraj Haroun al-Rashid had fallen from his terrace window, and his wife spirited off in the night. The city was in mourning, and the café reflected it, the usual colorful draperies were now black.

   “We are in for some troubled times ahead my friend” Mazin said, though he was definitively indifferent towards the troubles of others. “For me though, there is at least one thing that has gone as planned. I believed I have won our bet.”

   “So you think, but I too have been

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Discussion

 *** This story was beautifully written!! The visuals were perfect and very clear. It felt as though I were there myself. I was so engrossed in the story I never looked for mistakes. My bad... I'm sure if and I say "if" there are, they must be very minor. It is my sincerest hope that there is or will be more of this story, or at least more like it. You have succeeded in making a fan of me. BRAVO! You have a wonderful talent I hope some day to see it in print...best of luck to you!! Write on.....***

This critique applies to the 2nd draft of this work.

 

It was originally designed as a one shot, but I must say that I do love the Arabian setting very much and plan to revisit it. Something about the desert and veiled women dancing in smoke filled bars. So exciting.

As for the mistakes, Its hard to say this with out sounding self promoting, but, as a teacher once told me “There are people you can pay who can fix your spelling mistakes, and your commas, they will be happy to do it. But you cant pay anyone enough to give you a good idea.”

I encourage people to correct me on the spelling though. Its my weakest point. But for me personally, a good story more then makes up for some bad grammar ( except clunky sentences. Please point those out if you see them)

This critique applies to the 2nd draft of this work.

 Again, I must say I love your style. The concept of this piece was incredible and the execution almost flawless. Most of my critique deals with structure and syntax rather than plot or story line.

In the desert, it is most wise that ever drop of water,

I believe you mean "every".

and then his eyes light up with joy

I believe here this should be "lit" .

The next part of the poem was a bit trickier for me to interpret, but I must tell you, the solution I came up with is beyond creative. As you know, prior to last night, the statues lining the temple’s outer walls all faced inward, prying, their hands pressed against the stone.

I have two questions here .. I need to check this with my style manual, but I believe "the solution I came up with "was" beyond creative might be more correct. I concede that off the top of my head there is some question as to whether  "is" or "was" is the more appropriate. I believe since it was all done in the past it should be the latter. The second issue I have is with the statues. Were they prying or praying? If they were praying, I am not exactly sure how to visualize them praying with their hands pressed to the stone (unless they are in a kneeling position?-if so that could just be my own disconnect). This little part here was the hardest for me to visualize. I am not sure I understood the scenery. Again, this could be my own disconnect.

I also think there are many places in which you can cut some words without cutting important description or meaning. I have chosen a few below....

In the corner of the parlor Mazin lapped up the last remains of his tea from the decorative serving saucer it was delivered it on.

I think you could leave off "it was delivered on". If he is lapping it up from the saucer we can assume thats what it was delivered on.

At least twice on the 1st page, your use of the word "surly" I believe is supposed to be "surely" and could change the meaning and throw the reader off.

I heard the city guards coming, but because I had caused all the lights in the city to go out, it was no challenge for me to escape before they found me.

Again, I believe you could take out "before they found me". We can assume two things. One, the fact that he escaped proves they did not find him. Two, he is sitting here in a public place with his friend and they have not arrested him yet, so they obviously don't know he was responsible.

The high windows though, at night, when none are allowed in, are barred shut.

This sentence was awkward for me. I kind of know what you mean, but I am not positive we are on the same page.

Reviling should be "reveling", I believe. You were saying he was gloating and not that he was hating, correct?

"Unlike you my friend,..." I think the "my friend" should be set off by commas. Might want to check that.  I think there are other places in which you could use a comma and maybe a few that could use less. As you go through and proof  your piece check your usage of "that". I think some of them may be extraneous.

I hope this helps.

 

 

 

Thank you for the help. With each point of grammar I am correct on, it is just one more thing I will work to integrate so that my eye will catch it in proof reading. Thank you for the post in my scratch pad about the plot. I must admit, I focus much more on plot then grammar. As much as tooting my own horn makes me cringe, I am glad that the bulk of my problems of a writer are minor, but more importantly, easily correctable problems of grammar then that of plot structure and such.

Thanks.

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