I enjoyed reading your story and guessing what's going to happen. You have a lot of potential to bring out more themes or to keep it in its simplified state. I prefer the latter and I would suggest that you clean up the language to clarify what you mean. There are points in the story that I slowed down and created my own motivations for Ruth's and Lincoln's behavior. Their motivations aren't apparent early and I don't have any descriptors to suggest how they are acting and reacting. More description of the actual space they are in would help. I like the quick line of the block association. It does reveal something. I really like the twist on the story. The woman wanted to be a pirate and her husband sends her the care package in the mail. The uniqueness of her ambition is the strongest part of the story. I almost want the husband to have an odd ambition that he's going to seek like spy. Just something totally unexpected. Here are some line editing that may be of help!

“Lincoln! What are you doing, I could hear the radio all the way out in the garden! Turn that down this instance, the neighbors might complain.” Shrieked his wife.

"Lincoln! What are you doing?" shrieked his wife. "I could hear the radio all the way out in the garden! Turn that down this instance. The neighbors might complain."

If the music is really loud, then how can she hear him? At least, she wouldn't pick up right away what he says. The pace at the beginning is way too fast. There's potential for suspense.

Lincoln turned away, he couldn’t look at Ruth.

Make two sentences, take the second half out, or separate them with an em dash.

Every time he did his teeth clenched and he had to fight back the thoughts of violence.

Why is he angry? Clean this sentence up a bit.

“No Ruth.” Lincoln snapped.

Remember, you don't use a period. It's a comma. "No Ruth," Lincoln snapped. There are a couple more instances of this happening. Watch out for it.

Edit more carefully, because glaring mistakes can be distracting. Slow the pacing of the story and use more descriptors. How is he saying this? What is she doing when she's listening? Detail the type of marriage they have, so the reader has an understanding of Lincoln's frustration. If that she should be more resistant to change. I think that you have a firm grasp of the story, but don't be afraid to take it further. Up the ante. Looking forward to more drafts!

hi, torquil--

i hope my suggestions ahead are helpful to you, but please take them with a grain of salt--this is, of course, your story to tell.

i was struck by how poignant this story is. we can all identify with the yearning to create our own life, or scrap everything and start over. you've hit on a universal theme, here, and it lends your story power. i was immediately pulled in.

Lincoln turned the knob on his ancient stereo-system past the yellowed seven, letting the rhythmic bass of the music reverberate through the hard wood floor and rattle the blue-white china on the wall. He had never before turned his radio on this loud, let alone tuned to a station like this.

nice details here, and i like witnessing lincoln beginning to explore different things. he's made his decision, and already feels a bit freer for it.

“Lincoln! What are you doing, I could hear the radio all the way out in the garden! Turn that down this instance, the neighbors might complain.” Shrieked his wife.

   “Ruth. I’m leaving you.” said Lincoln, cutting to the heart of the matter.

i agree with n.i. london about rephrasing the first four sentences above. also, i agree with the suggested grammar changes.

lincoln's announcement he's leaving is abrupt, which fits his new mindset to leave everything about his old life behind. narrative-wise, though, your readers might benefit from a bit more description of the scene. are lincoln and ruth near each other? what do their expressions and physical cues tell each other? couples often develop subtext when communicating--gestures, phrases repeated throughout their relationship, stances. bringing these out may add life to your portrayal of their relationship. if these two have been living as strangers, illuminating this might be helpful to our understanding, too.

“Frankly,Ruth. I’ve Had enough of this life. A man can't live this way.”

   Ruth laughed nervously, “We live a fine life, Lincoln. You have a good paying job, we have a nice home, a nice yard, we are captains of the block-association this year. What more do you want?”

these two are very formal with each other, stating their given names with each sentence. maybe not necessary, unless you're intentionally adding that layer of distance between them. the short sentence i've lined through feels contrived and a bit staged, as if lincoln's performing for an audience. ruth's response is telling, a good illumination of her values. she's built her life around these artifical goals, and is still firmly entrenched in gaining them. you say a lot with few words--great! i'd address the adverb 'nervously'. could you find a way to show us she's nervous, rather than stating it? perhaps she's stroking the pearls at her throat as she laughs? if you can find a way to bring us into the story so we feel we're experiencing it with the characters, we'll feel the emotions along with them.

i've added a comma after 'frankly' for a natural (and grammatical) pause, the period after 'ruth' should maybe be a comma instead, and the word 'had' is capitalized when it probably shouldn't be.

Every time he did his teeth clenched and he had to fight back the thoughts of violence.

you know, i'd kind of like to know lincoln's violent thoughts, here. i'm also curious about his instant (and extreme) reaction to his wife. what's the story there? if he's built up years of resentment or just recently developed this physical reaction because of his life-changing decision, these mindsets could add another layer to the story. we might also understand lincoln and ruth a bit more.

“I already have worked this out, Ruth. I’m leaving you. I’m going to learn to play the piano, and I’m going to go on tour.”

   “Lincoln, your thirty-seven years old. Consider your age, you can't go off and do that. Your just having a mid life crisis.”

   “No, Ruth.” Lincoln snapped. “This is a mid-life awakening. I feel like all my life I’ve been in winter, and this day, is the first thaw of spring. If I don’t take it then I’m going freeze up and die.”

i've added a few commas for phrasing, and underlined a few spots which could maybe use some second looks. usually, when your character addresses someone, a comma (or commas, if in the middle of the sentence) separate that someone's name from the rest of the sentence. (boy, that's wordy.)

example: "I already have worked this out, Ruth." or "I love you, Ruth, but I'm leaving." (random example).

make sure you're using contractions when appropriate. i've underlined 'your' a few times above, when grammatically you'd likely intended 'you're', instead. 'mid-life' should probably be hyphenated when used as an adjective for 'awakening'. the comma after 'day' is unnecessary, i think. it interrupts a coherent thought, and a pause there doesn't feel right to me. 'if i don't take it' seems vague. i understand his sentiment, but i'm not clear on what he's saying, considering the chosen metaphor. maybe address the 'it', and this sentence will work a little better.

“Don’t care. I’m sure hell get over it.

after reading this a couple times, i think you're just missing an apostrophe in 'hell', changing it to 'he'll'. for a moment, i thought you were trying to say something like, 'i'm sure as hell over it.' which works, too.

“Lincoln, I just don’t know what your talking about. What on earth could have caused you to decide to do this?”

   “I saw a man in the park yesterday, on my lunch break”

   “Did he make you do this, Lincoln? Did he make you sign something? You didn’t give him the deed to the car or the house now, did you?”

   “No, Ruth. Your precious DeVille is safe.”

   “What is it then, Lincoln? Why did this man change your life?”

   “He was wearing a hat, with a very large feather in it.”

   “I don’t understand, Lincoln. Were they doing Shakespeare in the park again?”

   “I thought that too, Ruth, but when I asked him why he had it, he just said, “because I like feathers, and I wanted to put one in my hat.”

   “That’s a silly reason,” Ruth said, laughing again.

   “Your right, Ruth. It was a silly reason. But they all are. And that’s why I’m going to learn to play the piano and go on tour.”

   “Your just going to go off and leave me here? What am I going to do, then?”

   “What do you want to do, Ruth?”

   “I want to go back to our normal life. Lincoln, just stop this. Stop this madness right now! I don’t like it!”

   “What did you want to be when you were a kid, Ruth?”

you've got a heck of a lot of dialogue here without much direction or description. as it is, it reads like an interrogation on 'crossfire'. bam-bam-bam, one statement after the other--very rushed. i think it'd help if you could break it up, change the rhythms a bit to reflect lincoln's and ruth's individual personalities.  i've underlined several spots which may need a second look, grammatically; either comma choices, or contractions, or capitalization again. i suggest reading this conversation aloud, maybe even with someone, to get a feel for the pace and naturalistic rhythms people use when speaking to each other. generally, too, exclamations are unnecessary when you've established intensity through word choice and description. i'm sure it's a judgement call, but i've been discouraged by various instructors from using them, and i tend to agree.

Lincoln turned around to face her. He could make out his reflection in her puffy red eyes. She was sitting in the love seat that her mother had bought for the house when they got married. Ruth made them send the chair back two times because she felt the ruffles were not uniform enough.

   “What does that matter Lincoln.” She said, remarkably composed for all her appearance.

i liked this. good description. we can see ruth, her upset, and her attempt to remain reasonable. the backstory on the sofa is a great detail, too. another clue to ruth's personality and values. lincoln seeing his reflection in ruth's eyes implies he's quite close to her, physically. subtle direction. good!

 “I wanted to be Pirate. There you go. Laugh at me. I grew out of it though.”

   “Why a Pirate?”

   “Shut up, Lincoln! I was a kid, I grew out of it, I said. It was a silly stupid thing.”

   “No, really, Why?”

   “I always liked the ocean, and my father used to read Treasure Island to me every summer.”

   “Still want to be a Pirate?” He said,

i'm not sure why 'pirate' is capitalized here. you seem to be missing an 'a' in the first sentence, and a few commas sprinkled throughout (i've underlined particular spots that jumped out at me.) in the line 'No, really. Why?' you've got some confusing grammatical combination going there. i do like ruth's explanation for why she's drawn to the idea of being a pirate. finding out she's a repressed adventurer gives me a reason to feel more sympathetic toward her, especially because she seems to be unaware she's even unhappy in her bottled-up life.

...he was now kneeling in front of her. His hand placed on her bare knee.

i'm not sure if this sentence begins here or continues from the first page. if so, 'he' s/b capitalized. for flow reasons, i think these two sentences could be combined. his connecting with ruth's bare knee, reaching out to her, is significant, i think. they've achieved a connection, a shred of their relationship and feeling for one another. lincoln obviously wants ruth to be happy, to discover her own true calling. i'm not sure why they need to be apart to do this, though, based on the context we're given. this could be a reawakening of their marriage, and we're left to wonder why lincoln's so bent on taking off. wishful thinking on my part? mebbe.

 “What does it matter. There not real. Even if I wanted to, and I don’t, Lincoln, You can't be a pirate now.”

   “Sure you can, Ruth. All you need is a boat.”

   “That would be grand now, wouldn’t it, Lincoln? 'Oh look', the neighbors will say, 'there’s Ruth, careful, I heard last week she keel-hauled the paperboy for throwing the Sunday times in the azaleas.'”

i chuckled at ruth's sarcasm--great image, keel-hauling the paperboy. i've underlined spotsabove  to doublecheck. you might want a question mark after 'matter', 'there' s/b 'they're', a possible unnecessary comma after 'to', 'you' is capitalized and probably shouldn't be. a few other spots, also underlined for you to look at. i added apostrophes to ruth's fabulous sarcasm in her last comment above. secondary quotations (quotations inside quotations) are usually indicated by the single apostrophe. also, i think ending that sentence at 'ruth' and starting a new one at 'careful' will help with clarity and rhythm. 'times' s/b capitalized (proper noun).

“Goodbye, Ruth”

   Lincoln stood up and walked towards the door. Just beside the umbrella stand he had a packed suitcase. Hoisting it up he started to turn the door handle when Ruth Interrupted him.

   “Lincoln. If you walk out that door.. you’ll.. you… you can never come back. I wont let you. You cant treat me like this. When you fail and come crawling back You can't have me again!”

goodness, that goodbye is abrupt. lincoln and ruth were in the middle of a fairly intense conversation. he seemed to be invested in helping her to realize her own happiness, as well. is lincoln turned off by ruth's refusal to accept her true calling? a bit of direction or description here might help with the sudden 'whoops, gotta go!' feel to this. ellipses are typically three periods separated by spaces ( . . . ).

Three days later Ruth received a package in the mail, there was no postmark, but she knew inside that it was from Lincoln. Inside she found a worn, first edition copy of Treasure island, and a brand new ,black, cloth, eye patch.

i like this ending. the poignancy shines through here. lincoln wishes her well, even as he disappears into the world to realize his own dreams. he hasn't given up on ruth--he may even return someday, but in his package is the message she needs to realize her own dreams, for her sake. lovely idea. as i like to do, i've underlined some spots to look at in the above section. i won't dissect, as i'm sure you don't want any more of that.

overall, a solid story, torquil. i know my critique probably reads like a laundry list of highlighted errors, but most of those are repeated grammatical mistakes which you can easily fix. the more nuanced, complicated stuff (like improving flow of dialogue) does take more effort to rework, but i think this story has loads of potential. i hope you find my suggestions useful, and that you're happier with your story because of them--i enjoyed reading. best of luck to you in the contest!

This is an excellent work!  I have always been an advocate of pursuing childhood ideals into adulthood, and reading this made me really happy.  The husband and wife acted as perfect foils to each other; the wife content to live the life she was taught to strive toward, the husband seeking to live a life that he will enjoy and be proud of. 

The characterization of the wife all throughout this piece was outstanding. The details you added such as the paragraph about the origins of the love seat and her reaction to Lincoln’s turning his stereo on so loudly (“The neighbors might complain.”) really help to characterize her as being close-minded and self-conscious.  On the other hand, we don’t really see much of Lincoln’s character outside of his dialogue.

The only other thing that I noticed that needed a bit of work was grammar and punctuation.  Little things like saying "hell" instead of "he'll," "your" instead of "you're," or "there" instead of "they're."  In addition, the final sentence, though poignant, seemed a bit excessive with commas.  

Overall an excellent work!  I look forward to reading more in the future.

 I liked the short story and this is the second of this author's work that I have read. I enjoyed the extremely descriptive passages-"letting the rhythmic bass of the music reverberate," and the description of colors. It is very easy to picture that boring, white on white suburban home.

 I am an English teacher and I am sorry because I catch the silly things because they drive me nuts. I have not read a lot of this author's work like I said and I am not sure if that is your style. There is a lot of repetition especially with the names. 

     Lincoln took a deep breath, and resigned the fight: “Goodbye Ruth”
     Lincoln stood up and walked towards the door.Beside the umbrella stand was his suitcase. He started to turn the door handle when Ruth Interrupted him.
     “Lincoln. If you walk out that door… you’ll... you… you can never come back. I wont let you. You cant treat  me like this. When you fail and come crawling back You cant have me again!”
     Lincoln paused."
 

There is also a place where you need quotation marks: 

“Lincoln! What are you doing!" Shrieked his wife. She was never fond of music played too loud. "I could hear the radio all the way out in the garden. Turn that down this instant. The neighbors might complain”
 

There are also a few short, sentence fragments though I am not sure if that is your writing style, if you meant to do it or if it is one of those things you already caught. I apologize for pointing out mistakes that you probably already caught.

I did enjoy the story, a man who resigned himself to life with a wife who has also given up on any dreams is inspired by Peter Pan in the park to give up on his hum-drum life and follow his dreams. Remembering what it was to be a child and maybe, just maybe, making the flights of fancy of childhood come true.

Thank you.

 hello Torquil Mann--

I would like to start out by thanking you once again for your critique on Island Conspiracy, although it was quite a bit back.  I am returning the over due favor!

First off- I like this storyline, but it needs some grammatical help especially.

Lincoln turned the knob on his stereo-system , letting the rhythmic bass of the music reverberate through the hard wood floor and rattle the china

1)  stereo-system  should not be hyphenated, as it is two words.  2) I think for word choice, letting should be allowing.  3) hard wood  should be hyphenated to hard-wood

He never before had his radio this loud, let alone tuned to a station like this.
 

 

1) I think that the first sentence should just have a little word order changed:  try  He had never had his radio this loud before, let alone tuned to a staion like this.   It just flows better in my mind and when I read it out loud.

“Lincoln! What are you doing! Shrieked his wife. She was never fond of music played too loud.” I could hear the radio all the way out in the garden. Turn that down this instant. The neighbors might complain”
 

DIALOG!!!   When the wife asks a question, there should be a question mark not an exclamation mark at the end.  there should be quotations after ...doing!  and Shrieked should not be capitalized. I think also that Turn that down this instant.  should have an exclamation at the end, because the wife is ordering Lincoln to turn it off.  There should be quotations after ...complain and some sort of punctuation there too.

Lincoln paused a moment before he m reluctantly, turned off the radio.

1) Minor detail, probably a typo:  "m" is stuck in there randomly. 2) there is no need for a comma/ pause after reluctantly. There is no pause in the action of reluctantly turning off the radio. 

“Your right Ruth. “ Lincoln moved from the radio cabinet, across the white-beige carpet and the white beige sofa, to the window overlooking the cul-de-sac, “We wouldn’t want to upset the neighbors.” Inhaling deep the fresh spring air, he turned and faced his wife. 
 

1)  Your should be You're because it is not Ruth's possession being talked about, it should be the contraction of you and are.  2)  Also-- if you say white-beige the first time with the hyphen, you should put in a hyphen to the second white beige for a sense of consistency and to emphasize the coloration. 3) After the line describing Lincoln's movement, there should be a period before moving on to the next section of dialogue.  4)  One last thing-- Inhaling deep the fresh spring air, he turned and faced his wife.  This has a mrammar issue at the start. It should be changed to:  Deeply inhaling the fresh spring air, he...  Because "deep" is used to describe the depth of an object, not the way something is done (breathe, for example).

“I’m leaving you Ruth.”
 

one small thing:  there should be a comma after you.

“Why? What? What do you mean Lincoln?”
 

again, a comma is needed this time after mean.

“Frankly. I’ve had enough of this life.
 

Frankly is a fragment that doesn't fit there. It should be set off from the rest of the sentence by a comma.

Sorry for the short critique, but I have run out of time at the current moment. I will do another tomorrow, I promise!  When time permits.

~Fainne