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Park Maze

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flash fiction, odd, period, dada
1st
Draft

Published on:

April 28, 4:37am

Word Count:

334

Work Description

An odd tale of a lost traveler, and a missed appointment.

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 If he found his way to the inn, he would have a very difficult night ahead. Being lost, for a change, was proving beneficial. Unable to see in the failing light and limping heavily, from an unexplained numbness in his leg, he found himself, after an hour of semi-diligent searching, in the square in which he started. A cavernous yawn in the city, surrounded by tall buildings that seemed to lean inward, it was a rather quaint park by day. As night set in, the tenants about the square lit lamps and candles that marked curtained boundaries about the square, sealing their boundaries with light. Ribbons of black draping the walls marked the roads.


He fumbled with the events of the day, trying haphazardly to reconstruct a route to the meeting, and his bed soon thereafter. Quickly, scenes in other towns, dreamt of long ago began to intrude and it was little work to concoct a path completely untenable.

- Pardon me, ma'am. He demanded of a passing child, mistaking him a small aging woman. Snapped by the effrontery, the child blistered his shin with a well aimed boot and scooted into the night.

He sat down on a bench and waited.  The pain in his leg, the numbness in the other, captivating him.  His finger gently pressing the flesh down each leg.  The next pedestrian found him fast asleep in a rather humorous position and quite oblivious.  His sleep interrupted, an ill-chosen word greeted the curious.

A passing constable soon helped him into the grand station, mere steps away. At the tip of the officer’s baton, he scrounged the coins for a one-way ticket to the next small burg in the mountains. As he stepped onto the train he watched the policeman wander through the thin crowd, whistling a few bars of some tune, repeatedly, each as unrecognizable as the one before.

 

The train whistled, for a town he had never seen, and he knew he would have a difficult day ahead.

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Discussion

There isn't anything I would change.  I do wonder what the special twist is at the end.  My understanding of flash fiction is that the end has a twist but since I don't write it, I am not sure.  Maybe you could let me know - I would really appreciate it.  But the story telling is great, you captured the scene so vividly it was easy to picture the man, child and cop.  Thank you for sharing it.

Opening Comments

This was a very interesting little piece. it's very short, but it's very relatable to me, as I get lost all of the time.

Plot

It's very believable to me, because, well, as I said, i get lost all of the time. I sort of wondered if the pain in his leg was making him go in circles

Pacing

I was satisfied. I would think it would be hard to be bore din under 500 words!

Description

I liked the descriptions, but at the start I might've broken the sentences up a bit more than with commas. It got a little clause-y for me. But it was very readable as is.

Point Of View

It was consistent.

Characters

It was set in a different period, so I think that for that period, the character makes more sense than it would now. But even so, a homeless person could have a similar nomadic sort of experience.

Dialog

There wasn't a lot of dialog.

Grammar and Spelling

Again, I'd just break up some of the beginning to offer more sentence variety. But that's just a personal choice than anything I think is harming the piece.

Closing Comments

I really enjoyed this, thanks for sharing! It's a fun slice of life/mood story.

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