Fly Like a Bird...No, a Vampire.(Corny, I know), Chapter 1: Strange Encounters
fantasy, romance, young adult, vampire
Published on:
July 15, 1:43amWord Count:
456Work Description
This story is called “Fly Like a Bird…No, a Vampire”. It is about sixteen year old Delphi Ortiz who discovers the truth about herself on a stromy October morning before school. With the help of a tight knit family of vampires, she will try and defeat the evil ruler of the Underworld, Hecate and maybe also find love in an unsuspecting someone along the way.
**Note: I have always loved to write, but this is my first real shot at writing a story. So when--if--you critique this, keep what I said in mind. Also, I cannot upgrade to Pro because it costs money and my mom won't pay for it, so that would be why my story isn't indented and whatnot.
Chapter Description
Delphi notices a perfect stranger strolling down her neighborhood.
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On Monday morning I woke up sluggishly and hit the snooze button on my alarm clock. I got up from bed and walked slowly to the bathroom, surprised that my younger sister Artemis (though she prefers Missy) wasn’t already inside hogging up all the precious hot water. I slipped off my night clothes and jumped into shower for a quick bath. When I was done, I went to the sink to brush my teeth. That is when I noticed that Missy had been waiting for me.
“Delphi! Get out now!” she yelled. “School starts in two hours and I need to get ready.”
I ignored her and took my time. She had two hours--she’ll be fine. After I’d gotten the last bit of toothpaste foam from my mouth I walked out of the bathroom and right past my fuming sister.
Missy walked into the bathroom, and from the door she threatened, “Wait ‘til later.”
I turned around. “And what’re you gonna do? Attack me with skin care products? Because we all know that you need them more than I do.”
This really got her mad. But she didn’t do anything but slam the door, causing the vase my aunt gave to my mom last Christmas to tremble.
I walked back to my room and slipped on the new jeans I’d bought and a long-sleeved, bright green sweater. After I packed up my back pack and slipped on my shoes I checked the clock to see the time--6:15 A.M. I still had an hour and a half to kill. So I laid down on my messy bed and decided to listen to my Zune. I flipped through all the songs on my play list until I came across one of my favorite songs.
I turned on my side and looked out the window. It was storming and dark. I knew that it would be hell having to drive to school this mornings, especially with an annoying sister who won’t stop talking about her really popular boyfriend. I continued to stare at the windy street in front of my house. Then I saw a boy walking. He looked tall, and he had shaggy brown hair that draped over his forehead. I sat up on my bed and stretched out to get a clearer look at him, then he stopped, and turned his head to my window. I guess he got that feeling that a noisy someone was watching him. What looked like a smile creped upon his face, and then he stuffed his hand into his pockets and stared at more. I felt like being silly that morning, so I waved at him and he smiled. And he waved back.
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hey you got a great start here! You grabbed my attention with the first few paragraphs and I'm very interested to see where the story will go. The boy out in the stormy weather seems like he will play a big part in Delphi's life. The little sister also seems like she will play a part in Delphi's transformation. I would like to see you develop Delphi's character a little bit more in a the first few paragraphs. You give the reader a long description of the boy on the streets and you show us that Missy is one of those annoying younger sisters, but you don't show us a whole lot about Delphi. Also a word of caution with using the Zune. Because this is such a new item it kind of sets the time period, which is fine if you are intending it to be a completely current day story. If you don't want to be so specific with your time period you might want to change this detail to something more generic. There are also a few other spots I would like to talk about below.
wasn’t already inside hogging up all the precious hot water
I really liked this description. I have always fought the battle
of who can get to the shower first with my siblings. Because I was
the youngest I usually lost 
This really got her mad. But she didn’t do anything but slam the door, causing the vase my aunt gave to my mom last Christmas to tremble.
I really like the description here, but I think you could add some to make it more complete. Where is the vase sitting? Is it on a table or on the floor.. is it about to fall off whatever it is sitting on?
I continued to stare at the windy street in front of my house.
I know what you are trying to say here, but I think this sentence could be worded differently. Maybe she is watching trash blow across the street or the trees tremble in the gusty wind. I don't know something along those lines maybe.
and then he stuffed his hand into his pockets and stared at more.
This sentence has a small typo. I think something like continued to stare at me, might fit a little better.
Great work!! Can't wait to read more!
You had a good exposition; most of this chapter introduces the reader into Delphi's world. I almost laughed because Delphi's morning was so amazingly like many of my own (such as fighting off a sibling for the bathroom and having to drive them to school). I'm going to guess that with the premise you have, the mundaneness of her world will later be contrasted by supernatural characters and events. Make sure you're able to juxtapose those two worlds later on.
You did a good job pacing; it seemed to start off slow, but mornings tend to be that way. Again, the way you made Delphi seem so normal helped me identify with her. Also, The slower pace of the rest of the chapter made the appearance of the strange boy seem even more garishly out of place.
I think one thing you could do is add more description. When you call Delphi's bed "messy", go into more detail. Are the sheets in total disarray? Maybe Delphi left a book or a hairbrush on top of it. Does she have a pile of stuffed animals? What does Delphi's room look like? Adding these details will make the story even richer!
Also, I noticed there was no description of Delphi's physical appearance. I was wondering if this was to let the reader picture create their own image of Delphi (possibly after themselves)?
Delphi is an excellent heroine because she's so easy to identify with. I was able to find many parallels between her average morning and my own, as I'm sure other readers were able to do. Although this is the first chapter, I'm sure you'll be able to flesh her out more, giving her more background and being able to make the reader's tie to her much deeper.
Good first chapter! I feel like your writing has a similar vibe to that of Stephenie Meyer, the writer of the Twilight series. I'm definitely hooked; I can't wait to read more! Also, I'm a sucker for vampires.